Mother can’t see past the heartbreak that son is no longer a baby
Dear Carolyn: My son just turned 1. I love how much fun he is now, and certainly don’t miss the sleepless nights. But I feel sad when I think about the fact he’s not a “baby” anymore. I sometimes cry looking at pictures of him as a newborn — I had a rough physical recovery and was not well for a lot of that period.
Normal? How do you make peace with parenting regrets and sadness that they are getting bigger?
— Sad Sad: You sound normal to me. Parenthood is heartbreaking. You can’t be there for everything, can’t give them everything, can’t be everything, can’t go back to anything, all while you can’t get them anywhere fast enough.
So you reconcile past and future, logic and contradictions, love and pain, pride and regret, whatever else, the way we all more or less try to: by having your sad moment, then summoning the good things and letting the demands of the moment carry you forward. Small children serve this last purpose particularly well, you may have noticed.
If sadness becomes a burden, then talk to your doctor.
Hi, Carolyn: Can you help me articulate the difference between a consequence and a threat? I said to my family recently about a weekly event that we all enjoy but for which I do most of the preparation:
“For the last few weeks all of you have been late, and I feel like the effort I put in is unappreciated and it’s disrespectful. If it happens again this week, I won’t do the preparation for the following week. You’ll have a week’s notice and I’ll help you all prepare, but I don’t want to put in effort that isn’t appreciated.”
I was calm and logical and yet ... I was told I was threatening and choosing to interpret their lateness as a sign of disrespect when it wasn’t intended that way. So what’s the difference?
— Anonymous
Anonymous: A threat is advance notice of the intent to punish or harm.
A consequence is the outcome of certain conditions.
You threatened a consequence. Understandably, it seems, since your family took you for granted.