It’s time to take a stand against a partner who takes unfair advantage
Dear Carolyn: My partner has what I believe to be untreated anxiety. Whatever the root cause, he often has varying levels of mini-meltdowns when things don’t go exactly as he envisioned or fall short of his expectations. I can mostly handle these moments, though they are often unpleasant.
However, at least a few times a month, my partner tries to kick me out of our shared bed to sleep on the couch because I am “giving him anxiety.” I hate this; if he needs to control his environment 100 percent, then he can choose to sleep on the couch. I took this stance last night, and he stormed off only to wake me up at 3 a.m. screaming to get out of the bed — which I eventually did, once I convinced him it was a concession I could make if only he asked politely and stopped framing it as the result of behavior on my part.
He is otherwise a loving, supportive partner and we are talking about our future together. I have begged him to get professional treatment, but he refuses.
Is there anything I can do here beyond leaving the relationship? I do love him deeply.
— Anonymous Anonymous: Even wellmeaning people can make mistakes or fix on irrational things. We can love imperfect people because there is no other kind. That’s why we have to look to their actions after a mistake or misbehavior for cues to what to do next.
I’m not even talking apologies, because those can be insincere, self-serving, abuse-perpetuating. I mean this:
1. Recognition of harm done;
2. Acceptance of responsibility for their own actions and feelings;
3. Absence of a pattern. If you’re tiptoeing around something? Pattern.
If there is a pattern of mistreatment, then:
4. Recognition of a need to change;
5. Willingness to humble oneself to the process of change — or else it’s just a performance by someone committed (wittingly or un-) to doing the same harm;
6. Enough progress toward change to make a credible case it will happen.
To stay together without these, all of them, is for both of you to tolerate your harm.