Husband’s ‘nastygram’ signals trouble for his wife’s happy hours

Dear Carolyn: My husband and I own a condo in a 22-unit building. A homeowners’ association board member posted signs about the building rules during the pandemic. The rules were typical for these trying times, but the number of signs was obsessive.

Many building residents did not like the signs, but my husband was the one who wrote a nasty letter to the association about them.

The board member responsible is a friend of mine. Her feelings are hurt and she has said some snide remarks about the letter.

She and I were both part of a group of women who meet weekly for happy hour. I feel caught in the middle. My husband has had a hard time getting over being mad about the signs, and I know the board member is angry at him.

I just want to go to happy hour and drink and gossip. Why can’t we all just get along?

—L.

L.: Maybe because your hothead husband fired off a nastygram when he could (easily!) have made his exact point (about sign quantity!?) in a measured, cooperative, and sympathetic way? Such as:

“Thank you for posting the new rules. It helps to have clear expectations. The sheer number of signs, however, seems excessive at an already anxious time. Would the association be willing to take redundant ones down? I would gladly help out.

“Sincerely, Not a Complete Self-Righteous Volcano Person”

The middle is a tough place to be, yes. But it can also be a helpful reminder that sometimes we must stand on principle, even if it draws fire. If your husband hasn’t figured out yet that going “nasty” was infantile, impulsive and needlessly hostile, then you need to point it out for him in a gentle, loving, don’t-even-bother-yellingbecause-I’m-not-budging kind of way.

Your friend also chose a childish platform for her anger, because “snide remarks about the letter” are a weak response. She could have said to you directly, for example: “What’s up with your husband? He sent the nastiest letter to the board.” Propose an antidote. “We’re all ready for straitjackets. Let’s be kind to each other instead.”