Having it all doesn’t mean there isn’t ‘something else’ out there

Dear Carolyn:

I have a husband, a job, an apartment, all the things I thought I needed. Yet I still feel there is a “something else” out there.

But I don’t know if that is a new place, people, gig, hobby. Where do I go from here?

— Existential Wonderings

Existential Wonderings:

There is always “‘something else’ out there.” The idea that reaching set milestones means you’ve won at life is so faulty, and sooo enduring.

You, the day, the people you choose, and the people you get by default: They’re the raw materials of your life. Every day, you make something out of these things. That process never changes, no matter what the details look like — whether you’re young, old, settled, unsettled, paired, unpaired, sure or unsure of where you’re headed.

So, what have you got, and what are you doing with it? If it’s not enough to feel gratifying, then what changes can you make to fix that? Start at the margins, with the smallest and easiest things to change about yourself or your life, and work inward as needed. Good luck.

Dear Carolyn: My sister disclosed her extramarital affair to me after it was over. Since then, she has cooled our relationship, and I feel she associates me with a reminder of the affair — I do think

I’m the only other person who knows, as she did not disclose to her spouse. I haven’t seen her in over two years now.

Our mom is starting to ask more questions around why we aren’t as close. I’m tired of saying things like we’re too busy to talk, etc. What is my duty in keeping this secret from our mom? I feel like I’m lying to her. Sis did ask me not to disclose to anyone else ever.

— Cooled

Cooled: Your duty is to talk to your sister first about all of it — from the distance between you to the weight of her secret. If you miss her, say so.

If you agreed to secrecy, then you talk to your sister, not your mom, about the secret’s collateral damage.

And you start telling your mom, truthfully: “I’m not even sure why myself.” Because you aren’t. You “feel” the secret is the reason.