Man is having a tough time getting over the ex his parents trashed

Dear Carolyn: My girlfriend and I broke up six months ago. My parents were always nice to her face, but behind her back they’d constantly tell me she was trashy, overweight, I could do so much better. That got in my head since I love and respect them.

I started picking at my girlfriend over little things my parents had pointed out about her. We had a lot of fights and she finally moved out.

My parents were really happy and fixed me up with a friend’s daughter right away. Every few weeks I’d text my ex just to chat, testing the waters about getting back together. She never seemed interested but didn’t shut the door, either.

She’s with another guy now and in love with him.

I blew it. I want to accept that I screwed up and move on, but I can’t forgive myself for being so weak and stupid. I’ve lost interest in socializing. Other women seem dull and lifeless compared to my ex. I’m also angry at my parents, but mainly at myself. How do you forgive yourself for being an idiot?

— Can’t Forgive Myself

Can’t Forgive Myself:

How about some good hard work first on fixing the “weak and stupid”?

You say you respect people who, behind her back, savaged your girlfriend as “trashy, overweight.” They behaved abominably, in service of terrible values.

You absorbed their values and used them against someone who trusted you.

So this isn’t one “stupid” act, it’s a singing telegram from your maturity and integrity centers, begging for your attention.

This doesn’t make you a terrible person, just an unfinished one.

Please take a hard look at your parents. Bad values can coexist with doting on one’s child. In fact, they can be deeply entwined, where they see their own offspring as worthy of special treatment the riffraff can’t access. Ugh.

Is a person’s value on the inside or outside? Do your parents agree? Can you see a pattern of their snobbery? Does tearing someone down fit your definition of a good person?

And: If you didn’t miss your ex then would we even be discussing that cruelty?

Start with integrity. Forgiveness will follow.