She finds it hard to forgive herself for being emotionally unavailable
Dear Carolyn: Earlier this year I had an intense relationship with a guy who was a great catch. Goodlooking, smart, liked his family, etc., and in our late20s/flirting with 30, that seems harder to find. He wasn’t a “words of affirmation” person, which I am, and he had several close female friends whom he had intimate relationships with in the past, which I had a hard time with.
I wasn’t quite ready for a relationship and was still working on self-esteem, which came to the surface with this person.
My question is — how do I move on from a relationship that had great trappings that I wasn’t ready for? I know he wasn’t perfect, but it seems like it was my insecurities and neediness that really drove us apart, and I’m finding it hard to forgive myself. — Emotionally
Unavailable?
Emotionally Unavailable?:
If you’re still at the point of “working on self-esteem and insecurities,” and if your neediness was in full bloom with him, then I think it’s more useful to look at this guy as someone your low self-esteem, insecurities and neediness picked out for you.
We’re often drawn to the familiar, and if feeling bad about yourself is still what you’re used to, then your attractions will reflect that.
Keep working on your stuff, on your ability to stand confidently on your own, to be yourself without apology. What you’re doing is hard.
Dear Carolyn: My sister died last month. She was young, 43, very fiery and fought a debilitating illness until the end. I miss her terribly, and yet I’ve started to feel a bit more like normal, to look forward to plans with friends, to nod my head to music. I had planned to grieve for months and feel strange about being able to feel happy again so soon after losing her. Is that normal?
— Life After Death
Life After Death: Short answer, there is no normal.
But a normal phenomenon might be at work here: When people are sick for a long time, that often starts the grief clock early — so maybe you haven’t grieved “just” for a month, but instead for years.
I’m so sorry.