Readers comment on shielding kids from their marriage problems

Dear Carolyn: It turns out I didn’t shield my son from the fallout from my marriage as well as I thought. Even though he was only 6 at the time, he picked up on the fact that when his father came back into our lives, I was fearful of him and our dog hated him. My son never asked me but always wondered and worried about this.

There were a lot of things both children never felt they could ask me. I wanted to protect them from the ugliness, but I guess I made them think it was all a big secret. We’re talking openly now and it’s helping all of us.

— Mom

Mom: I’m so glad you’re getting to these important truths, and it’s helping.

Note: This is a follow-up to a previous column (bit. ly/NotSorry2019), not a question. I’ve adapted it for the power of its message and the reader responses:

—This needs to be a public service announcement to all spouses struggling to keep a marriage together for the sake of the children.

—I’m a survivor of an abusive family, and the truest truth for me has been the message in “Big Little Lies”: Kids see everything. A parent who acts as if nothing happened,

“to protect the kids,” just exacerbates the situation. A neighbor once saw me crying in my backyard after my parents loudly fought.

The neighbor asked if I was hurt; I wasn’t and replied thus. That was the whole encounter, but I felt cared about for the first time. No one in my family has ever discussed the constant fighting.

—I’m a family therapist, and if I had a dollar for every parent’s eureka moment of “It turns out I didn’t shield my [child] as well as I thought,” I’d be a retired family therapist. Kids might not know every detail, but they know something is wrong. Talk to them.

—As someone whose mother told her almost everything about the problems with her father, I say be cautious about what you reveal and make sure the kids know it is not their problem to solve. My mother took it way too far and I amstill struggling with the consequences.