Mom thinks ‘Uncle Bookie’ brother-in-law is a poor role model

Dear Carolyn: My brother-in-law is not someone I consider a good role model for my son. His idea of appropriate behavior with his nephew at a holiday dinner is armwrestling him at the dinner table and then teaching him about gambling while watching football. Should I ask my sister to tell her husband to steer clear of my son, or let it go for one

time a year?

— Relative

Relative: Well, the pandemic answered this for 2020. But there’s no avoiding bad role models entirely, and whatever you teach your son is going to have to bear up under all kinds of external and societal pressure, only a sliver of which you can anticipate and preempt.

When you know you have some say, it can be a tough decision. Is it protecting your kids as any responsible parent would, or is it pearlclutching and bubblewrapping at your kid’s own expense?

I don’t think there’s a universal answer, in part because quickie descriptions often don’t offer enough information for risk-assessment. “The Gift of Fear” and “Protecting the Gift” (Gavin de Becker) can help you calibrate your judgment, and they’re both accessible in what they suggest.

In the meantime, you can do your own basic risk test: Are once-a-year arm-wrestlings at the table — which you can see and say no to right away, if it’s important to you— and a few gambling tips enough to send your son’s life spinning off course? Is preventing these things worth the no-doubt highly insulting conversation with your sister? Is an occasional conversation with your kid about nutty

Uncle Bookie enough to maintain proper perspective?

If there’s more to this, and/or your brotherin-law triggers your gut-level warning system, then the answer still isn’t to talk to your sister — it’s to make sure your son is never unsupervised with any person who sets off any danger bells.