Parent asks advice for keeping her teens from premarital sex
Carolyn Hax is away. The following first appeared Aug. 16, 2006.
Dear Carolyn: Do you have specific advice for teenagers (especially girls) to keep them from premarital sex, or are you one who smiles and says, “You are not mature, but if you must, here is a condom.” I need every trick in the book to make sure my kids never go down that road!
— Richmond
Richmond: No, you don’t. You need a clear, well-thought-out message that reflects your values and shows respect both for your kids’ intelligence and for the strength of their hormones.
And, your kids need to know your love isn’t contingent upon their following the exact road you choose for them, because they won’t follow it exactly; you might as well accept that now. If they know you will love them regardless, though, they’ll find their way, for their own reasons — which is the whole point.
Dear Carolyn: I am single with no children, but I volunteer as a Little League baseball coach. I catch the usual grief from parents who think their kid should be playing more or playing a different position. My girlfriend, who comes to our games, overheard one of these conversations and just lit, calmly but very firmly, into the parent on my behalf.
I loved her for it, but it was quite embarrassing to me. How do I tell her I appreciate her concern but her approach was not how I prefer to handle such situations?
— Chicago
Chicago: On behalf of all of us who wish we’d been there, I ask you please to consider not silencing her.
You say yourself you loved her for it. Could it be this is just new for you and worth getting used to? Plus, her willingness to take on a carping Little League parent suggests she has a strong character and isn’t afraid to use it. This, in turn, suggests the beatdown in the bleachers was neither the first nor anywhere near the last time she’d use it in public.
Therefore, it might be more realistic to see this not as what she did, but who she is, and therefore part of any future you have together.