Depressed fiancee decides to postpone wedding indefinitely
Carolyn Hax is away. The following first appeared Aug. 27, 2006.
Dear Carolyn: My fiancee recently postponed our wedding indefinitely. We haven’t been fighting but have grown apart. We both work demanding jobs that usually leave us so exhausted that we come home, eat, watch TV and go to sleep. Our finances are such that we live week-to-week and I think that puts more of a strain on her than she will admit.
She is very clearly depressed. It’s been nine months since she said she needed help, but she just won’t take the step to get it. Blaming her job, exhaustion, whatever.
I love her, I want to support her. But she is having a profound effect on my own state of mind. It frustrates, depresses and sometimes angers me. We have talked about it several times, she tells me, “On Wednesday I’ll call and set an appointment,” and then never does. What can I do?
— Maryland
Maryland: You haven’t been fighting or growing apart. You’re broke, tired and engaged to untreated depression.
Call and make an appointment for her. Make it for a time you can leave your demanding job to hold her hand, if that’s what she’d like you to do.
There is, of course, a fine line between supporting a partner and dominating her; between showing respect for an illness and disrespect for a fellow adult; between supporting a partner and taking on a dependent.
But in this case, taking charge doesn’t cross those lines for three specific reasons: You are close to her; she has identified herself as depressed; and a symptom of depression is an inability to take action. Make the call, hope it’s the nudge she needs.
And, then, don’t expect miracles. If she is in fact diagnosed with depression, she’s fighting with and growing apart from herself. Reversing that process often involves trial and error. Treatments vary, as do people’s responses to them— assuming she even agrees to go for help.
Also not guaranteed is that lifting her gloom will close the distance between you. You lead grueling lives. That might have to change for your relationship to work.