Why didn’t her husband tell her his father has prostate cancer?
Dear Carolyn: I found out last night that my father-in-law has prostate cancer, when I overheard my husband telling my children. This caused a minor uproar, as my husband slipped it into a conversation about something else. The uproar got louder when our children found out my husband has known for a year or more, but didn’t share the information with them.
My reaction was a quieter version but basically the same uproar: My husband has known for over a YEAR??
When we were alone,
I told my husband I was surprised and hurt he hadn’t told me, and he got defensive. He justified his decision with, “It is slowgrowing and not a big deal in older men.” There is no indication my father- or mother-in-law asked that it be kept quiet.
I’m not sure what to do with this. My brain is spinning. Does my husband think I don’t care about his father, or that I won’t have his back? I can probably get an apology, but I don’t think he really feels there is anything to apologize about. Maybe prostate cancer in older men isn’t a big deal, but this seems like something that should be shared. Should I just let this go?
— Spinning
Spinning: There’s a lot here that depends. On his nature, on yours, on what his and your histories are.
So here’s what I’ve got:
You’re right that he should have told you.
And it’s understandable that you’re framing it in terms of what his silence says about you. As in, “Does my husband think I don’t care?”
But I suspect his reasons are about him, not you.
You know your husband well, presumably? So there’s a lot of context here. Look to that context to figure out what his motivation is most likely to be.
Readers thoughts:
—I’m your husband. I didn’t tell people I was moving or that I was pregnant or getting married. That’s just not who I am. If I’d gotten this news, I wouldn’t have shared it with my husband either.
—Perhaps he didn’t share because he knew you would freak out. He could deal with his dad’s illness but not your anxiety about it?