MY SON NOTICED I WAS STRUGGLING, SO HE BROUGHT ME A COOKIE AND TOLD ME MY HAIR WAS BEAUTIFUL. HE’LL BE HOSTING HIS FIRST “HOW TO BE A GOOD HUSBAND” WORKSHOP NEXT WEEK.
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Dear Carolyn: My husband and I live within a short drive of my family and see them often. We have had to ask my sister to please NOT try to discipline my 5-year-old twins, because her parenting and discipline styles differ so wildly from ours in so many ways. She is extremely firm with her own children and does not give them the space to be kids, whereas our parenting philosophy allows for our kids to make some of their own decisions.
When we asked her to fall back, she agreed to do so. But now, she will barely so much as be in the same room with our kids. She says she feels too nervous about being accused of overstepping. This is getting in the way of the kids’ relationship with their aunt, and it’s also starting to strain my relationship with her. What should we do?
— Maryland
Maryland: Consider letting her handle them the way she feels comfortable doing so?
I get your concern about the very different styles, but, unless you really think she’s a terrible parent, your kids will be able to handle the fact of two different sets of expectations.
It happens all the time regardless of family proximity and parenting style: Home has X rules, grandpa’s house has Y, day care/school has Z and public places are all over the spectrum. Presumably they know library behavior and Chuck E Cheese behavior aren’t the same?
They’re 5, plenty old enough to start understanding this extends to individuals, too, and adapting their behavior accordingly. You just need to be consistent in the way you address inconsistencies.
Readers’ thoughts:
—Evaluating their behavior with as much of an objective eye as possible, could it be that giving the 5-year-olds “space to be kids” has made them difficult to be around? We have friends with kids with this parenting philosophy, and the kids have gotten to be so disruptive and unruly that it has become hard to spend time with them.
—I agree with Carolyn as long as Sis isn’t trying to discipline your kids in your home. Her home, her rules. Your home, yours.