Parents don’t want to subsidize family trip because of their kids
Dear Carolyn: Our family consists of three families, including my husband and me; our son, his wife, and two college-age children; and our daughter, son-in-law and teenage son. Every other year we heavily subsidize a family trip to various countries. This year the gathering is also a celebration of a grandchild graduating from high school.
Neither family lives close to us. During the past year, one family has never checked on our wellbeing, even though COVID has been raging around the country. My husband was injured, too, and they have never asked about him. We also live near the Capitol, and during the riot in Washington, they never checked on our safety.
My husband and I agree we don’t want to subsidize a trip this year, but we’re unsure how to say that in a way that doesn’t fracture our family or hurt the feelings of the graduating senior. We would appreciate your thoughts.
— Conflicted
Conflicted: I won’t defend these families’ recent negligence. It hurts.
But I also won’t endorse your idea of scrapping the trip out of pique.
You just got a strong message that your family unity needs some thoughtful attention — so this is not the time to give it a kick to the groin.
Traveling together is your way of connecting. And the entire foundation of your question seems to be that staying connected is really, really important to you. So think goals, not self-defeating retribution.
You want the effort to go both ways, understandably, yes — and their effort is lacking. But unless you know more about why they’ve gone silent that you didn’t include in your letter, it’s possible they’re among the ... millions? roughly everybodies? who have been resoundingly not at their best through this mess.
So if you’re open to even the slimmest justification for granting blanket forgiveness and starting over, there it is for the seizing.
I also hope you’ll take a deep breath and talk to your kids, calmly and directly. Check on their well-being, exactly as you wish they’d have done for you. When you feel lost, treating others as you hope to be treated is true north.