The ‘good enough’ pandemic warrior
The book “A Good Enough Parent” brought great relief to me and perfectionist-leaning mothers everywhere when it came out in the late 1980s.
“While we are not perfect, we are indeed good enough parents if most of the time we love our children and do our best to do well by them,” was the theory popularized by parenting expert Bruno Bettelheim.
Now if only I could apply this principle to pandemic household management.
To be sure and in the interest of full disclosure, there’s been much to forgive since the pandemic hit almost a year ago: My pandemic-era kitchen floor most often looks like the floor of a barn, as does my hair. I curl up with Netflix for hours, days, on end, unmoving, when I could at least sit on the edge of the bed and do chair yoga. I reach for chocolate instead of spinach, go for a week without showering; and the worst offense of all for me and my socially conscious cohort: I give way too much money to the evil empire Amazon.
“Every time I step outside, I see the Amazon truck in front of your house,” my observant neighbor proclaimed.
For these and other pandemic-related lapses, I have been known to feel shame and self-loathing; to apologize to whoever is within earshot and/or to pound on my chest murmuring “mea culpa” like the good Catholic girl I
once was.
But then one day recently, I overheard my highachieving compatriot Lisa, a just-retired college professor and widow, who takes care of two 90-something parents and a house, calling herself lazy for spending the day reading. Are you kidding?
“You may be unmotivated and overwhelmed by the frightful conditions of this awful pandemic,” I said to her. “But I would never, ever call you lazy” – any more than she would call me a bad pandemic manager for, hello, eating chocolate instead of spinach.
Forgive Lisa. Forgive myself.
We women, we’re pros at this perfection dance – both striving for it and beating on ourselves for our lack thereof. This is especially so when the stakes involve our families, even within the impossibility of a pandemic. Being as two out of three caregivers are women, we are holding the bulk of responsibility for homeschooling children and maintaining healthy social lives while managing social distancing, jobs and safe consumerism, while also worrying about all of the above, says the nonprofit Kaiser Family Foundation, which recently asked 1,200 men and women in the United States how they are handling the pandemic,
“(Our) survey reinforce (s) much of what we have known about the impact that balancing multiple responsibilities – often without a safety net – has on women,” says Kaiser’s report. “Women are worried that they or someone in their family will get sick…They worry more about losing income and worry more about putting themselves at risk because they can’t afford to stay home.”
This is echoed by Eve Rodsky, best-selling author of “Fair Play,” about the domestic workload between couples, in an interview with good morningamerica.com about the effects of COVID stress on women.
“Women in good times are diagnosed with anxiety disorders twice as much as men, and it’s because we’re holding the conception and planning of every household activity,” says Rodsky. “A woman’s brain is a brain that doesn’t shut off.”
And yet if ever there was a time for shutting off our self-analysis, it would be now, when there is no consistent rule book and the goal posts keep getting moved.
We women can’t seem to get out of the bearing-thebrunt of familial responsibility loop, no matter how many Betty Friedan books we read.
But we do have power over how we see ourselves.
Fact is, when I allow my 24/7 brain to be as objective with myself as I am with my friend Lisa, I see a pretty excellent citizen.
I might win the neighborhood award for most Amazon purchases made. But I might also win Best Safety Protocols Practitioner, as I faultlessly practice social distancing, even as I even wear a mask to bed sometimes, even though I sleep alone.
I may forget to run six miles a day. But I work hard at maintaining my mental health, going to virtual therapy twice a week; keeping meditative coloring books in a basket beside me on my bed; and allowing myself a variety of emotions.
The next time a friend criticizes herself for not knowing how to manage a pandemic, I should stand in front of a mirror as I tell both of us exactly why and how we’re not lazy, inept or clueless.
It’s highly likely we’re good enough.
Maybe better.
‘‘
(OUR) SURVEY REINFORCE(S) MUCH OF WHAT WE HAVE KNOWN ABOUT THE IMPACT THAT BALANCING MULTIPLE RESPONSIBILITIES – OFTEN WITHOUT A SAFETY NET – HAS ON WOMEN.
Kaiser Family Foundation report
A former FBI agent convicted of second-degree murder for leaking information to Boston gangster James “Whitey“Bulger that led to the shooting death of a gambling executive will be released from prison on medical grounds, officials ruled Wednesday.
The Florida Commission on Offender Review voted 2-1 in favor of releasing 80-year-old John Connolly, who has cancer and is believed to have less than a year to live.
Connolly, who was Bulger’s FBI handler, was sentenced to 40 years behind bars after being convicted in 2008 in the killing of World Jai Alai President John Callahan in Fort Lauderdale in 1982. Connolly tipped off Bulger and another gangster, Stephen “The Rifleman” Flemmi, that Callahan was about to implicate the gang in a killing, authorities said.
In a statement read to the commission, Callahan’s son said he is not opposed to Connolly’s release, given his prognosis. Callahan’s wife, Mary, also did not object.
“Let his family have this year with him before he dies,” Patrick Callahan said.
The state attorney’s office also did not oppose his release.
U.S. Attorney Andrew Lelling, Massachusetts’ top federal prosecutor, said that “while the damage caused by John Connolly’s corrupt relationship with James Bulger and others can never be forgiven, and Connolly has been shown compassion and consideration that his victims were not,” his office agrees that Connolly “should be permitted to die at home with his friends and family.”
Connolly was also found guilty in 2002 of tipping off Bulger, Flemmi and former New England mob boss Francis “Cadillac Fran” Salemme in late 1994 that they were about to be indicted. Connolly’s tip allowed Bulger to flee and spend the next 16 years on the lam. Connolly served 10 years in prison in that case.
Connolly’s case damaged the FBI’s reputation and prompted reforms, like stricter guidelines for handling criminal informants. Connolly and Bulger’s relationship helped inspire the 2006 Martin Scorsese film “The Departed.”
Bulger, who was one of America’s most wanted men before being arrested in California in 2011, was killed in federal prison in West Virginia in 2018. Authorities have not charged anyone with his killing, but law enforcement officials said at the time that two Massachusetts mobsters were suspects.
James McDonald, an attorney for Connolly, and Connolly’s brother were among those who spoke in favor of his release. McDonald noted that Connolly was more than 1,000 miles away in Massachusetts when Callahan was killed and that the hitman who pulled the trigger is now a free man.
James Connolly said his brother has has lots of family and friends who can support him in the Boston area.
“He’s no threat to anybody,” he said.