Mommies must be the heroes in combating child sexual abuse. Daddies should be, too
For decades, child sexual abuse has remained an epidemic without a victorious hero. Yet, three statistics point to the opportunity for moms to be the modern-day heroes to see and report child sexual abuse — of their children and others.
However, the unimaginable reality that one’s own child may be a silent victim of sexual abuse by someone known or related often creates an impenetrable wall of incomprehension by which even the most attentive mothers may be blinded and incapable of putting to words.
As a child experiencing constant sexual abuse by my adoptive father in a family that didn’t see or hear it, I couldn’t see an end, and I didn’t have a voice that could be heard. Today, as an adult witnessing ongoing suffering in our communities and an escalating crisis in mental health, it’s clear we need to see and hear this issue differently to end it.
If it were not that one in three girls and one in five boys suffer child sexual abuse before the age of 18, we might be able to credibly say that this horrendous reality is “rare” or something that would never happen in one’s own home. Truth can compel action in acceptance — or complicity in denial.
So, which three statistics might break through walls that have been so well constructed by perpetrators that they remain out of sight and out of scrutiny? What can be so close, but kept so far from confrontation?
Firstly, it’s in the family — 90% of child sexual abuse is perpetrated by a family member, friend or someone known to the family. In one study that involved preschool children — remember, that’s 3 to 5 years of age — 72.5% were victims from within the family.
Second, 97% of perpetrators are male, and 76% are married men.
Third, it’s mostly perpetrated by step-parents and parents — making up 60% of perpetrators.
The numbers show that it’s time to think again and act more. This is a reality that needs the acceptance and action of heroes, not complicity through denial. It’s in the family. It’s in the house. It’s often a Daddy who needs to be called out by a Mommy.
Yet, how does a mother call out a father? If this feels uncomfortably out of bounds even to consider, imagine the child who is confronted with calling out a father. In addition, consider the average age range of the child who is sexually abused (7 to 13 years old) is more likely to result in a “freeze or fawn” survival response that causes the child to remain trapped in silence.
If you are a father reading this and feel affronted and challenged, that’s what is needed. We need enough fathers to be so affronted that they, too, will also take on the challenge to be heroes by seeing the signs and “calling it in.” This means paying special attention to cues and conversations among “father friends.” The devil is in the details, and when we look closer and listen more carefully, we often see and hear it.
The question remains, “Do we dare see?” Then, the even more complicated question is, “Do we dare act?”
If you’re feeling inclined to dismiss the data as wrong or exaggerated, let’s not be diverted by differences in data that fundamentally don’t change the dynamics of the issue we must address. Most agree the numbers are severely under-reported. Even if the numbers were half, that still would be unacceptable, and that number of children still needs heroes to see and act for them.
So, mommies and daddies, what will you do today? What can you not afford to miss in what you see and hear? After all, this could be your child today, and you wouldn’t want to miss that.
You don’t need to be sure to reach out. You just need to suspect enough to find out more. A call can make the difference: (240) END-1IN4 directs calls to the 24/7 Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline, where you can talk with a crisis counselor, find resources to help and choose what to do next.
Together, let’s choose to be heroes.
Kathy Andersen founded Miami-based nonprofit END1IN4, Inc. in 2022 to end the impact and magnitude of child sexual abuse. She has just launched a public awareness billboard campaign across Miami-Dade, Broward and Palm Beach counties to call out child sexual abuse and call on mothers to report it when they see it.