The Florida Man Games: Olympics except with beer and mud wrestling
If I had to describe the inaugural “Florida Man Games,” I would call it a sort-of Olympics, except with spectacularly dumb events contested by people who are not athletes but like to drink beer ... while competing.
All indications are the folks responsible for this will take that as a compliment, so, you’re welcome.
The event was held this weekend in St. Augustine, a straight shot up Florida’s eastern coast about 300 miles north of Miami. Somehow, I wish it were farther away.
The “Florida Man” phrase arose a decade or so ago from a Twitter site that highlighted the inventive ways folks in our state seem to have for getting arrested or otherwise in trouble, usually involving guns, drugs or alcohol. And reptiles, of course.
St. Augustine resident Pete Melfi, who owns The 904 Now, a media outlet that covers St. Johns County, gets the blame (I meant credit) for founding the event, a masterstroke of self-parody.
“We thought, ‘How can we really play on these Florida Man headlines that we hear so much about?’” said Melfi. “Someone gave me the idea to make it into an athletic competition. It’s an opportunity to live that Florida Man life for a day. We understand that Florida is weird. We embrace it.”
Events included pork butt eating, “weaponized pool noodle mud duel,” running an obstacle course to avoid arrest by actual cops pursuing in uniform, wind tunnel cash grab, sumo wrestling while holding a pitcher of beer, and (needless to say) mud wrestling.
In another event, men appeared to be pulling a U-Haul trailer against the clock, unless that also went without saying.
The “Florida Man” ethos is that we do asinine things that make us
seem really dumb here in this state and are proud of it.
For example, if someone anywhere else in the country gets trapped in an outhouse toilet, is submerged to the waist in fetid muck and must be extracted by fire fighters, Florida Man is jealous and will consider suing for copyright infringement.
Also jealous they didn’t think of it first: Key West, where residents are required to always have a pig on a leash or be carrying a rooster or small alligator when out in public.
The Florida Man
Games reads like an idea for a Carl Hiaasen novel rejected by the publisher as too outlandish. Or a fever dream from which Dave Barry awakens screaming.
It is shocking, really, that nobody thought of the Florida Man Games sooner, because (and this would make a good state motto), “If There Is a Dumb Idea, We Will Find It.”
That reminds me: A category in which competitors dress up like a governor and see who can run the worst imaginable race for president would have been absolutely perfect for the inaugural Florida Man Games!
Another category to consider for next year: an event in which contestants dressed like extremist school board members race to see who can ban the most books the fastest.
I might also suggest an event in which people dressed like a mayor compete against the clock to see who can accept the most improper gifts in violation of ethics rules, but that one may be seen as too Miami-centric for our friends up in St. Augie.
Augmenting the Games themselves there was a best-mullet contest, a Florida Ma’am pinup contest, an opportunity to take selfie photos with an alligator, and a bingo game decided by two chickens.
The Florida Man Games website suggested four area hotels for spectators arriving from afar. Amazingly, none of the four was a Motel 6.
This was the first of what will be an annual event unless we can stop it. But we won’t, because:
Florida!