When your expectations aren’t met
Most of us view giving emotional support to others as a commendable act, and we should. Extending one’s self to assist friends and family in need is the right thing to do. What’s more, there is solid research showing that giving is a core element in creating peace of mind and satisfaction with one’s life.
However, in some situations, it can be detrimental to both the giver and receiver, as I’ve observed in several of my clients. The difference between healthy and unhealthy giving of this kind resides in how one approaches the process.
Tess, a kindhearted and generous soul, is a case in point.
When someone she knows is hurting, she’s usually the first to rush in and offer support and assistance. And because giving to others creates greater life satisfaction, you would think Tess experiences a high degree of personal well-being. Not so.
“I’m pretty burned out, and more than a little ticked off,” she explained.
In her desire to assist others, Tess has taken it upon herself to help several people who, simply put, do not want to help themselves. One is a friend who remains passive in the face of an abusive spouse, while the other is a love interest who hates his job but won’t lift a finger to find another.
“I talk to them, listen, give them self-help books, suggest options, recommend coaching or counseling, but they don’t budge,” she lamented.
“You can’t be an emotional lifeguard to these people. They don’t seem able or willing to swim on their own, so they are only dragging you under,” I told Tess.
Trying to support someone who is stuck in a pity pot or some sort of passive melancholia is emotionally exhausting. However, it’s not the act of giving, per se, that is problematic. Rather, the critical variable is the expectations one brings to the interaction.
Tess acknowledged that she expects her friends to use her support to turn their dysfunctional lives around. In other words, she intends to save them from themselves, and is angry and emotionally depleted because they fail to cooperate.
“If you’re going to expend your time and energy on people who aren’t serious about getting better, it would be wise to leave your expectations behind,” I suggested. “It has to be enough to just give, regardless of the outcome. Otherwise, you’re going to be frustrated and burned out.”
I’ve seen parents adopt this posture toward their deeply troubled children, providing emotional support with no expectation that it will bring about a change for the better. As one father told me in reference to his drug-addicted son, “All I can do is love him.” This attitude requires great resolve, courage and trust, and not all of us can muster that when someone we care for is foundering.
Nonetheless, when we give to others without insisting that they use our support and ministrations wisely and, at the same time, seek neither gratitude from them nor self-aggrandizement for ourselves, then our giving becomes a force for good.
But if we burden our generosity and caring with “shoulds” and expectations, it will profit no one.