Your indecisiveness is telling you something
Being mentally stuck and indecisive usually gets a bad rap, and sometimes should.
But many find themselves frozen between two diametrically opposed forces conducting a tug of war in their psyches. It’s like being a steel ball trapped between oppositely charged magnetic poles — you simply hang there, mentally vibrating, unable to move in one direction or the other.
“I’ve been like this for a long time,” Megan told me, “this” being unable to decide whether to leave her marriage or stick with it.
The opposing forces that hold her in place are the deep discontent with her husband, on one hand, and powerful mental scripts insisting she stay the course and keep the family intact. While one part of her psyche admonishes her to exit an emotionally abusive relationship, the other restrains her with warnings about hurting her children.
“It sounds exhausting,” I suggested, and she nodded dejectedly in agreement.
If you are an empathic person, the inclination is to take sides with one of the warring personas inside Megan’s consciousness. Because I am highly sensitized to the mistreatment of others, it would have been natural for me to endorse that part of her that wants to put her first (leave) while downplaying the other voice in her that calls for more self-sacrifice (stay).
But taking sides in someone’s inner civil war can backfire.
Megan’s well-meaning friends and family, as well as several prior counselors, had lined up to support one side or the other in her inner conflict. Unfortunately, this only escalated the problem, leaving her mental house more deeply divided.
Those who encouraged her to stay married reinforced the guilt that held her in check. After speaking with them, she felt diminished, sensing they were all engaged in collective denial and rationalization about the abuse she was suffering at the hands of her husband.
The ones supporting her exit made her feel ashamed for having tolerated her spouse’s mistreatment for so long. She felt judged by them, as if her reticence to leave was a sign of weakness.
“Sometimes we just need to stay stuck for a while,” I suggested, causing her to gaze at me in disbelief.
“You’re the first person I’ve talked to about this that hasn’t told me to just make a choice and get on with it,” she explained.
“So, you’re telling me it’s okay to just sit with this and see what happens and not keep torturing myself over it?” she asked, looking relieved.
I confirmed her interpretation. When emotionally impaled on the horns of an intractable dilemma, little value accrues from hounding one’s self, and doing so can impede decision-making
Those who encouraged her to stay married reinforced the guilt that held her in check. After speaking with them, she felt diminished, sensing they were all engaged in collective denial and rationalization about the abuse she was suffering at the hands of her husband.
rather than encourage it.
“At least for now, your indecision may be telling you to wait,” I suggested.
There are plenty of exceptions, but sometimes the door to change opens when you accept your current conundrum instead of persistently badgering yourself to move on.
Absent the intense inner turmoil, the decision may grow naturally, rather than requiring forced effort.
Sometimes we need to make a decision.
Other times, we need to let it make itself.