Don’t rain on couple’s plans for kitchen remodel party

Adapted from a recent online discussion:

Carolyn: I’m trying to figure out a graceful way to stop my brother and sister-in-law from making absolute fools of themselves. They just completed a remodel of their kitchen and want to have a party to “celebrate” — as in, show it off.

The first problem is that there’s nothing special about their remodel. It was really basic: new cabinets, floor, countertops, a coat of paint. That’s it.

The second problem is that this party is going to come off as a total gift grab. They say they don’t expect gifts but I know people receiving the invites are going to think it’s required. I even did a poll at my workplace and most people agreed with me that upon getting a “kitchen reveal” invite, they probably would think a gift was in order.

I tried explaining to my brother that when my husband and I did a huge remodel of our kitchen three years ago — total gut job, kitchen island, all new appliances, the works — we didn’t find it necessary to have a “reveal” party. But my brother is totally guided by his wife, who is a very sweet woman but not socially savvy at all. I cringe every time I think of how clueless and greedy this party is going to make them look, even though they seem to have the best intentions.

Should I try to do more to prevent this disaster, or do I need to back off and let them suffer the consequences of their stubbornness? — Cringing

Cringing: Or c) Do you let them be themselves, as is, which is what their friends probably/presumably love about them? Or d) Why do you care so much? You can choose not to go, too, and instead luxuriate in your far superior kitchen.

Re: Kitchen Reveal: We had a kitchen reveal after a remodel and it was a BOATLOAD of fun. Yeah, one or two people brought gifts — that kind of surprised me — but mostly we drank and ate and generally made a lot of noise and just showed off how happy we were about the work. I looked at it as a way to have a party, to break in the new kitchen after months of cooking on the grill in the rain and showing off the work, and sharing with the neighbors who lived through the noise, dust and a giant dumpster. — Anonymous

Anonymous: I.e., sometimes a party is just a party. Thanks.

Carolyn: A recent letter-writer wasn’t sure whether her boyfriend’s aversion to hand holding in public was a deal-breaker. My husband was this way, not as extreme as this boyfriend but close. I think my husband had/has an aversion to intimacy. Over the years, he found excuses to pull further and further away. He never initiates a casual hug, we don’t have meaningful conversations and haven’t had sex in years.

I may be wrong, maybe the letterwriter’s lack of affection isn’t the tip of this iceberg, but how many years of life does someone want to throw away to see if I’m right? — Lacking PDA

PDA: Perfect question, thank you. One for you: Do you feel like you’re still throwing away years? And if so, do you have a plan for dealing with that, besides just warning other people away?