A Trump presidency, but first his board game
When it was over, I had the least money, which is what I deserve as a member of the corrupt, lying media. Stephen was in second-last place. After two hours of playing, Denise and Kathy were tied for the win at $610 million each. We did a Jill Stein recount that did not change the results.
While decluttering her house, Denise Bartlett wondered what to do with a Donald Trump board game she bought in 1989 and never unsealed.
Let’s crack that sucker open and play it, I told her.
America is about to swear in a president who comes with his own Milton Bradley game about getting filthy rich. The smallest denomination bill used in the game is $10 million. “It’s not whether you win or lose, but whether you win!” is the Vince Lombardi-esque mantra on the box.
You can find “Trump The Game” for sale on eBay at various prices. If a Trump fan is willing to buy hers, said Denise, who is a Democrat and a Hillary Clinton voter, she will donate the money to a worthy organization.
I wouldn’t call myself a Trumpkin, but I responded to Denise’s email by offering her $100 for a chance to play the game with her as Inauguration Day draws close.
She paid $29.95 for the game from her blackjack winnings at Trump’s Castle Hotel Casino in Atlantic City in 1989, one of many one-day junkets she made out there before Wisconsin got its own gambling palaces. She even met Trump that day, with Marla Maples on his arm.
I reserved the Journal Sentinel’s boardroom, a fitting place to play a game like this, and Denise brought along two other players, Stephen Basting and Kathy Schult. Denise and Kathy are retired officers from the Milwaukee Police Department, where Stephen is deputy inspector.
All three are members of the Milwaukee Police Historical Society, to which Denise donated the 100 bucks.
Stephen is a Republican who voted for Trump. The Donald also got the nod from Kathy, an independent.
After sweeping the room for Russian spies, we sat down in executive chairs and Denise ceremoniously removed the game’s plastic wrap. The game was made in the U.S.A., the box says, except for the die that came from a die-ing industry in China.
Trump’s plans to make America great again don’t seem very detailed, but the game directions are huuuuge and go on for 11 pages. We relied more on the quick guide.
If you desired even more instructions, there was a phone number listed. We called it just for fun and got a friendly human being on the line who said the number now belongs to Cartamundi, a company that makes game parts for Hasbro, which swallowed up Milton Bradley. Sounds like we might need to drain the board game swamp.
Anyway, each player tosses the die and travels around a board with Trump’s brown-haired image in the middle. Our new leader’s mug is also on all the currency and every game card.
You land on squares like “Force the sale of any property” and “Acquire $20 million times a die roll.” I didn’t see any squares saying, “Release your tax returns” or “Pretend to hand over your holdings to your children.”
We bid on properties, often for $100 million or more. And that’s in 1989 dollars. Much of our money was tied up in those investments, tucked in plastic boxes marked with Casino, Hotel, Tropical Island and other unaffordable luxuries.
We focused on the game and outmaneuvering one another in the “highstakes, risk-taking world of Donald Trump,” as the box says. We refrained from talking politics. We chewed bubble gum provided by Denise after checking that the freshness date wasn’t 1989.
When it was over, I had the least money, which is what I deserve as a member of the corrupt, lying media. Stephen was in second-last place. After two hours of playing, Denise and Kathy were tied for the win at $610 million each.
We did a Jill Stein recount that did not change the results. Kathy agreed to a tiebreaker that I made up. If Denise would kiss Trump’s picture on the box, she would be declared the winner. Denise could not bring herself to do it, but recounted a story of President Barack Obama giving her a birthday kiss on the cheek during a Milwaukee visit.
All four of us — Republican, Democrat and independent alike — agreed on one thing: “Trump The Game” was too complicated and not that much fun. “Unless there’s something we’re missing here,” Stephen said.
On Friday, we get Trump The President, and this time it’s not a game.