Get ready to get cozy with your neighbors

If every woman, man and child in Wisconsin stood shoulderto-shoulder, we would fill a little under 1 square mile.

Or, as President Donald Trump might insist, 2 square miles.

File this under things you probably weren’t wondering about, but the detailed calculation landed in my email in-box this week.

It was done by SpareFoot, which like most companies is looking for ways to get its name out there. The Austin-based firm provides listings and price comparisons for self-storage units.

So they got to thinking. If people were the stuff you needed stored, how much space would it take? Now we know what the storage industry fantasizes about.

“It’s a trickier question than it sounds, and we wanted to answer this ridiculous question with some degree of accuracy. So we needed to figure in size differences between men, women and children,” the report says.

The Wisconsin population they used, 5,757,564, is an estimate from 2014, and it’s pretty evenly split between females and males. Of the total, 24% are 18 years old and under.

Here’s how they figured it: Each child on average would require about 3 square feet of space to stand in, or about 1.7 feet by 1.7 feet. Each woman would require 4 square feet, or 2 feet by 2 feet. And each man would need a little over 5 square feet, or 2.3 feet by 2.3 feet, which is more than the butt space you get on the bleachers at sold-out Lambeau Field.

But what about people of great girth? The study built in Wisconsin’s obesity rate of 31.2% and gave that percentage of children and adults an extra 25% more space.

The men of Wisconsin in total would take up the most space, 0.42 square mile, just like how we hog the covers. Women would require 0.34 square mile, and children would fit in 0.16 square mile.

That comes to 0.92 square mile. The report shows how that would look in downtown Milwaukee. The entire population of Wisconsin could fit into a square roughly from the Milwaukee Public Museum on the west, not quite to the Milwaukee Art Museum on the east, I-794 on the south, and roughly Cherry St. and Lyon St. on the north.

This assemblage could never really happen, of course, because a lot of people across the state are afraid to come into downtown Milwaukee. And then there’s claustrophobia and body odor.

“That’s not enough personal space for an American. It’s really packed together,” said Brian Shreckengast, a marketing analyst at SpareFoot.

Milwaukee isn’t exactly the wide open spaces. The city’s normal population density is 6,188 people per square mile. The number for Wisconsin is 105 people per square mile.

The report gets even weirder when it figures how much cubic footage would be needed to, you know, store all of us. A third dimension, height, was added to the calculation. All 5.7 million Wisconsinites would fill the space inside the Empire State Building three and a half times. Good luck getting to the restroom.

So how much standing space would be needed for the entire population of the United States, roughly 323 million? The report did not go this far, so I’m getting my calculator out.

Well, that’s about 56 times the population of Wisconsin, so the required space would be about 52 square miles. If my math is correct, and that’s a big if, everyone in America would fit into the city of Green Bay, and we’d have 4 square miles left over.

Please, no tailgating.