Tight schedules help young children

Carolyn: My husband has three siblings and we are the youngest couple, and the only people without kids. My nieces and nephews are 6, 5, 3 and a baby. I have no experience with little kids.

When we all get together, the schedule my brothers- and sisters-in-law impose seems really strict. The kids have to eat and go to bed at specific times and everything we do is centered around this. When we are with them, it feels extremely rigid and it really dampens my enjoyment of spending time together.

My husband thinks we should just continue to go along with it. I think we shouldn’t be expected to all the time, and it’s reasonable that the occasional outing or event isn’t quite so rigid. Next time we all see each other I want to suggest going with the flow a little more.

My husband said if I really wanted to say something I should, but he is on record that it’s a bad idea. I don’t see what’s so bad about mixing styles of outings, I don’t think their having little kids means they get to dictate the way the entire thing goes for everybody.

Should I bring this up? If so, is there a good way to do it? I just think it would be fun to relax a little more.

— Scheduled Scheduled: If your definition of “fun” includes young children who are overtired, over-stimulated and hungry, and brothers- and sisters-in-law who, try as they might, will never forget the day their sibling-by-marriage with zero kid experience tried to tell them how to raise their kids, then, yes, you should go for it. Trust me. How you phrase it won’t matter.

If you think eating dinner at 5:30 p.m. puts a damper on things, then try enjoying your adulty twilight dinner against the backdrop of a tantrum in three-part disharmony. Alone, as parents calm down their kids. If you haven’t yet, then you might have those so-rigid parents to thank for it.

Where you’re completely correct is in recognizing that your schedule needn’t be centered on the kids’. If you want to eat later or sightsee through nap time, then, do so — independently. Hug your husband, too. Wise man.

Carolyn: When we got married 20

years ago, we decided not to invite small children to our wedding. One couple made quite the ordeal of how offended they were that they couldn’t bring their child to the wedding. They did not attend.

This summer that child is getting married and we’re invited. Are we obligated to go considering how we were treated before our wedding?

— Wedding Whiners?

Wedding Whiners: You’re not obligated to go even if they personally harvested the rose petals tossed beneath your silk-slippered feet. That’s the nature of invitations. To accept is strictly your choice.

If you like this couple and/or their child and you want to celebrate the marriage, then accept the invitation. If you don’t, then don’t.

The fuss they made two decades ago was rude and myopic. As you decide whether to focus on the “myopic” or the “two decades ago,” keep in mind: Grudges make lousy decisions.

Carolyn: Yesterday I drove past a single-motorist motorcycle accident. The driver was missing. Several people had already stopped to look for the motorcyclist. I also pulled over.

We found him down the embankment. Two women reached him first. One seemed to have medical training. She took his pulse and kept telling him to keep talking to her. I gave them a blanket from my car. I left shortly after that and passed the police on their way.

I learned this morning that he passed away at the scene. The article gave his name and address. I am considering sending a condolence note to the family to let them know he was not alone; that people cared enough to stop, look for him, and keep him comfortable until the paramedics arrived.

I’m not sure if that would give them comfort or cause them more pain. What do you think? — Witness to Last Moments

Witness: What a beautiful thought after a terrible experience.

Grief is so personal it’s impossible to say how loved ones would feel about such a note. I will say, though, that if I were the one learning of strangers’ kindness to my dying child or sibling or parent, I would be grateful to you beyond words.