Not being true to self can bring destruction

Jake was an outgoing, affable 50-year old craftsman, married with grown kids and a solid career. Most in his social orbit liked him, and he seemed to feel the same about them.

And then one sparkling day in May, he turned on his car, took a few hard slugs of bourbon, closed his eyes and let the carbon monoxide do the rest. His son found him, as well as a note pinned to the body.

The first time I visited with his wife, she handed it to me. In a nutshell, it explained, in very rational terms, how Jake had kept hidden his authentic self, even from those he loved and who thought they knew him well.

It had taken a long time, he wrote, but eventually living a lie became untenable, while the idea of coming clean about his true nature felt unthinkable. The note was short on specifying exactly how his hidden “real self” differed from the public one, but hinted at sexual orientation and an unspecified addiction.

“Why didn’t I see it coming?” his wife pondered.

“With folks like your husband, you can’t,” I explained.

Some people live a lie, deliberately showing the world a patently false version of themselves. Often, these people learn early in life that their true self is not acceptable to significant others, such as family and friends. Gradually, concealment becomes their modus operandi.

Over time, the effort to avoid rejection by others morphs into self-rejection. To paraphrase what Jake wrote in his note: “I’m ashamed of who I am, and ashamed I didn’t have the courage to be who I am.”

Those left behind by these types of folks often wonder what sort of game they had been playing with the deceased. It’s like having the foundation of your life pulled out from under your existential feet in one fell swoop. Everything you thought you knew about that person proves either false or open to question.

It’s hard to imagine that someone like Jake could be so opaque, particularly to those who felt close to him. His wife struggled mightily with how she had swallowed his deception “hook, line and sinker,” as she put it.

“I didn’t think I was that gullible,” she said.

“It’s my job to recognize what’s authentic in people,” I told her, “but I’ve had a couple of Jakes sitting right where you are now, and I missed what was really happening with them.”

Most of us harbor a secret self of sorts. The disparity between the private me and the public one may be minimal or, as was true with Jake, extensive. When the latter proves true, the psychological risks escalate, sometimes resulting in suicide, be it sudden or in slow motion.

The fear of social rejection is

The fear of social rejection is usually what keeps a person in his or her closet, whatever may reside there. Ironically, in an effort to avoid repudiation by others, one suffers self-rejection instead.

usually what keeps a person in his or her closet, whatever may reside there. Ironically, in an effort to avoid repudiation by others, one suffers self-rejection instead, often creating an even greater degree of distress and shame than coming out would have engendered.

As Shannon Adler stated, “One of the greatest regrets in life is being what others want you to be, rather than being yourself.”

It is a regret that can sometimes kill its host.