If the priority is Mom, then honor her wishes

Carolyn: My sibs and I (coming from three different continents) are planning a vacation for our mom’s upcoming 70th birthday. We all agree it would be a wonderful surprise. This would be the first time the four of us, no grandkids or significant others, would vacation together since we were teens.

When I voiced that I hoped we will not include her companion of four years, Older Sib pushed back — it’s Mom’s party and she should do what she wants to.

We only see her companion during our short annual family reunions and he’s, well, pushy and demanding. I really had hoped we would have one “just us” vacation to make new memories with our mom, and not have a stranger around. Older Sib thinks I am selfish, and Baby Sib doesn’t care.

I really don’t care to spend any additional time with her companion. Any sound advice?

— Troublesome Middle Child Middle Child: Yes: Never go into a group vacation hoping it will go your way.

That’s not what you meant, though, is it.

You want a ruling on your mother’s pushy companion, so here you go: In support of your argument to exclude Mom’s plus-one, you have the decision by the three of you to leave kids and partners at home. You plainly intend this to be a reunion of the nuclear family.

To back up your sib’s argument, though, there’s the point of this whole celebration: Mom. When you presume to dictate her guest list, you make her party about you.

That ends it right there. Mom’s party. Companion included.

But even if it were a close call, you’d still have to pick one because you can’t have co-top-priorities. It’s either an event to serve the hosts’ own needs and you invite guests to take it or leave it as planned, or you celebrate a guest of honor in a way said guest would appreciate — and the hosts take that preference or leave it.

One kernel of opportunity is that you can still present the just-us version of the trip for Mom’s consideration. Maybe: “We thought it might be nice to have just the four of us, but of course it’s your celebration so Companion is also welcome.” To pull this off, though, you need to approach your mother with love and support for the life she’s choosing to lead, not barely veiled contempt. Remember, your mom welcomed “strangers” into her family each time her kids chose a mate.

While we’re talking assumptions and mind-sets, please rethink the “surprise” thing, too, unless you know your mom to be both an eager traveler (now, not 20 years ago) and a sucker for showy surprises, since for many they’re flat-out jarring.

A commitment to serving her needs might come around to serve you as well. Fates and conditions permitting, you can ask to celebrate your next milestone birthday with just Mom and the sibs — a request they’re more likely to grant if you’ve put lots of goodwill in the bank.