Trying things you’ve ruled out before can enlarge who you are

“I really want to change my life,” Eric told me. It’s a common intention, one often created by unhappy circumstances. Like those who wait until it hurts before going to the dentist, many pursue life changes in reaction to emotional discomfort and behavioral dysfunction.

But that wasn’t the case for Eric. In his early 70s, comfortably retired and navigating his existence on cruise control, this man had little reason to rock his personal boat . . . except for one thing.

“I feel like I’ve missed out on a lot,” he explained. “I was so busy making a living that I didn’t do as good a job at making a life.”

Eric’s motivation stems not from regret or self-criticism, but from a desire to make the most of what time he has left.

“My friends tell me to travel, volunteer and stay involved with my grandkids, and I get that, but I still feel like something is missing,” he surmised.

This sense that there is more out there waiting to be experienced is often the province of youth, but can re-emerge later in life when time is of the essence. “So, I’m here for any ideas you have about making this kind of change,” he told me.

“Maybe you should consider doing more of your don’ts,” I suggested, eliciting a perplexed gaze from Eric. “My don’ts?” We all have them. In this context, “don’ts” are those things we tell ourselves are outside our behavioral lines, so to speak, as in “I don’t do that.” So, I asked Eric for one of his. “I don’t cook,” he replied.

When I inquired as to why not, he found himself fumbling for a valid reason. Turns out, for decades he’d been telling himself that cooking is not his thing, explaining he simply never learned, assumed he would be bad at it, and subconsciously defined himself as a person lacking that skill (“I’m not a cook”).

“So, if you learn how to cook, you might enjoy it or at least have a new learning experience, and end up redefining who you are, even if in a small way,” I suggested.

Eric and I spent time identifying a number of other “don’ts” that inhabited his psyche, and he devised a plan for moving some of them into the “do’s” category.

Think about it. When it comes to behaviors outside your comfort zone, how often do you define yourself with “don’ts”? The list can be long. In Eric’s case, it included behaviors like not attending live theater, gardening, reading fiction, wearing sandals, playing chess, and on and on.

Most often, when defining ourselves, we tend to think of what we do, rather than what we don’t. But both are equally powerful in determining a sense of self.

If it’s true that “I am what I do,” then by challenging the boundaries we place around our behaviors (or that others do) and trying new ones, we can modify our sense of identity, which is the key to lasting change.

For most of us, creating a “new me” is about pushing past self-imposed “don’ts,” often in seemingly small ways.

Shakespeare wrote, “We know what we are, but not what we may be.”

But, if we are willing, we can find out.