Mom takes ‘ladies first’ school of thought to the extremes

Adapted from a recent online discussion:

Carolyn: My mother frequently asks men to defer to her in situations where I feel that her requests are ridiculous. For instance, at the grocery store, if the person in front of her in line is a man, she will always say, “Excuse me, will you please be a gentleman and let me go ahead of you? Ladies first.” If the man says no, she will usually glare at him but not say anything else.

I think putting men on the spot simply because of their gender is rude and have told her so, but she brushes me off.

Do you think I should say anything more to her? Refuse to go places with her if she’s going to do that? Or just ignore it? — Ladies First

Ladies First: I think your answer lies in doing what you think is right.

Meaning, it is important for you not to benefit personally from something you don’t think is right. (For what it’s worth: I’m with you. I’d be horrified.) So, you leave the grocery store when she jumps the line, for example, or take your things to a different line. Calmly, politely say why. “You know how I feel — I won’t be part of this.”

Don’t reopen the discussion, though, about her behavior; you made your point about rudeness and she brushed you off. Any measures you take now are appropriately about distancing yourself from her tactics vs. presuming to try to change her.

Carolyn: I was that kid who was good at nothing, with that Mom who didn’t (appreciate me). But I have a success story!

I was my parents’ only kid who didn’t excel in anything. It didn’t help that the majority of my classmates had talent, too. I was an outlier at home and school. For a long time, that sucked.

But I finally found my way in college, grad school and the work world: I landed a high-profile dream internship and a couple of amazing jobs. My hometown paper did a couple of profiles on me.

I’m so glad I never peaked in high school. Ironically, because my parents focused their attention on the children who got results, I was able to find my own way and succeed. I was more likely to try things because I knew I wouldn’t face their criticism.

I realize my story is the antithesis of what parenting is supposed to be and no expert would dare promote it, but I wouldn’t have the end result be anything else. — Never Peaked

Never Peaked: Love the story, thank you.

Is it the antithesis, though? There’s a flood of literature now urging parents to Back the Erf Off their kids. You are excellent anecdotal support for that school of thought.

There’s another useful nugget wedged in here, and that’s the idea of “peaking.” So often — especially in school and sports, which get disproportionate attention in childhood — the early bloomers get a huge amount of attention and resources.

But, people have their own timelines for maturing to their full strength, and it’s shortsighted to overlook those who just haven’t finished growing into the people they’re going to be.