Green Sheet columnist, readers had a poetry battle
Gerald Kloss loved to fill his “Slightly KlossEyed” column in the original Green Sheet with humorous, wordplay-powered poems.
In July 1980, his readers turned the tables.
Kloss topped his Green Sheet column on July 18, 1980, with a short poem, titled “Editorial”: I like July. I’ll tell you why. The weather’s nice. There is no ice. The sun is hot. The heat bill’s not. I’d rather mow Than shovel snow. And that is why I like July.
After the poem, Kloss issued a challenge: “Responsible persons or agencies with opposing points of view are welcome to submit their, um, opposing points of view in case of this column, which will print their dumb remarks in toto, especially if they are really dumb. This is known as freedom of expression.”
A week later, in his column of July 25, 1980, Kloss admitted his “10line ditty” celebrating July had drawn “a fierce response from a number of July-haters,” some of whom challenged Kloss on his own poem-writing turf. Kloss reprinted some of their verses verbatim.
From Joe Jenelon of Milwaukee: I hate July, And that’s no lie. There’s no relief From the cool-air thief.
There are so many degrees That won’t let me freeze, But keep me in torture, With each day a scorcher, While the sweat runs And the skin burns,
For cooler weather The body yearns. I hope I survive The terrible rays And remain alive Until better days.
Pam Baillod of Calumet, Mich., sent in two anti-July poems:
I find your slur of December, sir, Distasteful at its best. Who needs that hot, bright, burning light
And bugs that never rest?
You can keep July with tornadoes in the sky,
And the land a sickly green,
With things that stick and smell and pick.
I prefer a winter scene. I hate July. I’ll tell you why. The bugs are bad. The land is clad In sickly green. The heat is mean. I like to sled, Not burn bright red. And that is why I hate July. Laurie Schuster of Milwaukee submitted:
I can’t stand July, And I’ll tell you why. The air is too sticky. It makes me feel icky. The sun that’s too hot Burns my skin a lot. I’d rather wear a sweater
Than tolerate this weather. And that, sir, is why I can’t stand July.
Ronny C. Poynter of Janesville, who had recently relocated from Colorado, added this: I realize Just how Kloss-eyed You must seem To folk like me Who hate July And this is why — Mosquitoes, flies, Humid skies; It seldom rains, The heat’s a pain. My hay fever shows
(It don’t in snow) And my face is burned And my stomach churned
By mowers started at 8
That don’t turn off till late.
So, Mr. Kloss, here’s my reply
And now you know — I HATE JULY.
At the end of the column, Kloss told readers that the following month “Slightly Kloss-Eyed” would be “coming out firmly against August, as soon as we can think up a reasonable rhyme for the month.”
Kloss thought up one, sort of. In “Ach, du Lieber August!”, the poem he included in his Aug. 6, 1980, column, he sneaked in these final lines: “The list could go on, but such things are why August / Of all summer months, has the days that are doggest.”
Readers’ submissions were included in the column, but none managed to come up with a rhyme for August. (The closest were “dog-kissed” and “hog list.”)