Priced out of friend’s wedding
Carolyn: My friend is getting married. It started with the idea of having a small ceremony in the park, going to her place afterward for dinner. Later we would put our children to sleep under a baby sitter’s care and go out dancing to a club. Then it changed into something bigger — rustic setting with bridesmaids but still a bit casual. Now it has blown into a big fancy place with matching outfits for bridesmaids. All seven bridesmaids have families with kids, and are now required to have same color dresses and professional makeup. My family is on one income and the expenses come up to over $1,000. How can I get out of it without hurting her feelings or breaking my bank (or robbing a bank)? — M. M.: People talk about “wedding markup” mostly with respect to vendors.
But the more significant wedding markup might apply to the emotions surrounding them.
What you describe here is a simple, factual case of being priced out of something. “I could afford the original version of (blank), but now with all the changes, it’s too expensive for me.”
You can deliberately treat it as a simple, factual case of being priced out of an activity.
Tell your friend you were honored to be included and you support her having the wedding she wants, in whatever form it takes, but that you regret to say you can’t afford to be a bridesmaid. Offer to help her in some other capacity, of course, that allows you to be there just as a regular guest.
Carolyn: I am a grandmother to a lovely 8-yearold boy whose parents are about to separate. I am supportive of both parents and want only the best for them and my little grandson. It seems very amicable, and I know they will co-parent with only the best interests of my grandson at heart.
I never insert myself into family members’ private business but I do want to be supportive to my little grandson, as he is the one I am most concerned about. I don’t really know what to do though. They are two states away from me, and while I can call my grandson, I don’t know what to say.
Do I just act like nothing is going on and not ask leading questions? I remember as a child that when I was upset about adult issues or confused
by my parents’ marriage, it never occurred to me to speak up and ask questions.
Should I somehow let him know I will be there for him if he wants to talk to someone other than his parents about this serious upheaval in his life? Any suggestions about what to do or not do? —A.
A.: My only suggestion is that you extend your good sense from thoughts to actions. Apply your understanding of your grandson’s position by explicitly offering him a place to talk, no judging. Apply your mindfulness of boundaries by mentioning your intentions to the parents first, so they can trust you won’t usurp, undermine or (further) divide them.
And apply your natural reticence by not forcing the issue beyond plain, gentle and infrequent offers to listen if he wants to talk.