Loss of faith in God leaves man trying to find his bearings
“I miss believing in God,” Jacob told me.
Pushing 60, this once devout Christian turned atheist feels beset by existential angst — the unnerving feeling that life has no transcendent meaning or purpose. Jacob’s concern is not about what he believes is “lights out” when he dies, but, rather, with making sense of what time he has left.
“I didn’t want to lose my faith. It brought clarity and certainty to my life. But it happened, and the world helped make it happen,” he explained.
A caring fellow, over time Jacob found it difficult to reconcile his religious beliefs with events unfolding around him. The suffering, cruelty and wickedness he witnessed in our world proved too strong a match for his faith alone.
He examined various theologies attempting to explain the presence and purpose of evil, most asserting that we possess free will and make our own choices between goodness and the dark side. He spoke with several people of the cloth, inviting them to somehow restore his theism. He even steeped himself in other religious traditions and philosophies that attempt to assign a spiritual meaning to existence.
His purpose was to view the question — “Is there a God?” — from as many perspectives as possible. But he came away feeling like all he was hearing were rationalizations created by those who were anxious to avoid what he was experiencing — the absence of faith.
“To me, it doesn’t feel like some deity watches over us,” he continued. “Look around. People can be heartless, and nature, while often beautiful, is indifferent and couldn’t care less.”
“Even among believers, there’s little agreement about the nature of God. Hell, more people have been killed over religious conflicts than political ones,” he concluded.
Despite his growing cynicism, the man is no sour puss. He understands how to seek fulfillment in the moment and embraces the values of being a good neighbor, helping others and contributing to society.
“One priest asked me if I’d ever had a religious experience,” he told me. “Well, I’ve had several, and while life-changing, they did not convince me of the existence of some all-loving being.”
“What did they convince you of?” I asked.
“That it’s all an incredible mystery, and that we are tiny beings on a small speck in a vast universe who simply can’t figure it out,” he replied.
What is striking about Jacob is that, while missing his faith and belief in an afterlife, he is not afraid of death. There is strong evidence that both atheists and the very religious have a significantly diminished fear of dying compared to those in the middle — agnostics (“I just don’t know”) and the less devout (“I know but I’m busy”).
Jacob has crossed a line that separates one world view from another. As such, his challenge is to find his existential bearings without benefit of the “compass” once provided by his faith in God.
He is at the place the Dalai Lama referenced in stating, “The question is not to know what is the meaning of life, but what meaning I can give to my life.”