Disputes go better when partners act as equals

One of the pivotal interpersonal dynamics in intimate relationships relates to dominance hierarchies.

Most romantic pairings, and many platonic ones, develop an unspoken arrangement specifying who has the final say. Overall, there are three broad possibilities for how two people align around the question of who leads and who follows.

First is when one person is clearly the top dog. The other party defers on the vast majority of matters, taking a more passive role in the context of their relationship.

Second occurs when both people are dominant in certain circumstances but compliant in others. He may have the last say about how they manage their money, while she may have the veto regarding parenting.

Last, we find those couples who are essentially equals. There is no hierarchy governing the modus operandi for the relationship. Together they share the responsibility to make decisions, solve problems and set plans, often engaging in negotiation, compromise and, sometimes, debate.

Now, you’d think the last type — equals — would generate the most conflict. After all, the dominant-submissive and mixed-dominant pairings have a fixed methodology and function on autopilot. Open conflicts are not the norm, that is unless one of them decides they no longer appreciate their position in the dominance hierarchy and want to turn the tables.

Granted, there can be more conflict in equal relationships if the respective parties have very different values, priorities and ways of interacting. This is particularly true if one or both are highly competitive or controlling by nature.

But when equal partners share a common sense of purpose, respect each other, and have compatible interpersonal styles, there is often little conflict. And, even when it occurs, there is rarely lasting damage because it doesn’t pose an existential threat to the bond.

Why? Equals are often more resilient in the face of disagreements. It doesn’t threaten them as much because neither party is attempting to subjugate the other and impose their will.

This same scenario in a dominant relationship can prove menacing. Within an egalitarian pairing, conflict is just an accepted part of the norm, but in a hierarchical liaison, it represents a serious breakdown in the established order.

Being more dominant or more submissive is a defining aspect of human personality. Some, of course, are a mix, depending on the situation.

In contemplating marriage or a serious partnering, we should ask ourselves what our style is, what we discern in this regard in our significant other, and whether we are comfortable with the kind of hierarchical pairing these two attitudinal postures will create.

Otherwise, the power question becomes just another wild card in the romantic deck.