Encouraging college-dropout son to find his purpose

Carolyn: My son flunked out of college his first year at 18, losing all the scholarships he had earned. He spent the time instead on the internet. He came back home and said, “What do you expect? Everybody was on my case since ninth grade.”

He enrolled in the local community college (spending his own money) to get his associate’s degree and go back to the four-year college. He did well at first but the last two semesters he did poorly, getting one A — in art — and a D and two F’s in the classes required for the degree. He retook those three and flunked them all! He took a break this summer but does not want to start again, not even one class, not even art.

He has a good work ethic. He has held a restaurant job for over two years. He has never missed a day and is held in high regard by his peers and bosses. He also never missed a class at the local college. He just can’t get himself to do the homework. He has said he doesn’t understand why his good work ethic doesn’t transfer to homework.

I believe he uses the internet as an avoidance technique. He is a good kid. He’s an Eagle Scout. He doesn’t smoke, drink or do drugs. I am a single mom and he is a big help. He pays rent and always has done a lot of chores.

I worry that he has no social life and no ambition. He is saving some money but not a lot.

He is now almost 21 and I am worried what will happen to him when I’m gone. I don’t know if I should just let him figure it out or keep pushing him. I feel like I’m not being a good mom if I do the former.

— Worried

Worried: I’m not sure if this will make you feel better or worse, but he has figured it out, in his way.

He’s stopped doing what doesn’t appeal to him — school. He excels at what does appeal to him — the restaurant job. He contributes to his household — rent and chores.

I agree the scant social life is concerning, and his lashing out at “everybody” for his college failure was not an auspicious start. However, he was 18 then and he’s at odds with himself now, so in context neither strikes me as unusual or irreversible.

As for ambition, that doesn’t seem like the right piece to complete his puzzle. Purpose is what drives us sustainably forward, and knowing, trusting and embracing what we want out of life are the precursors to purpose.

On top of all of this, we’re talking about a 21-year-old. Letting an adult child figure it out needs to be every parent’s default.

The sweet spot is encouragement: a message that you love him, you trust him to find his way, and you see honor in any productive line of work, not just the ones he thought he wanted at 18.

But if he is genuinely interested in his onetime college path, and if that path is reversibly blocked by some medical or developmental obstacle — even just by treadmill fatigue — then you want to urge him to address those obstacles (when he’s ready to) so he can pursue what he actually wants.