Carolyn Hax: A failure to launch.

Carolyn: I allowed my daughter and her now-husband to continue to live with me after they got married a few months ago, in hopes that they would fly the coop soon so I can finally have an empty nest. They are both 21. They both work retail and go to school. I know they would very much like to live on their own but rents here in the Bay Area are insane. They cannot afford to even rent a studio on their salary. I don’t want to be their financial support system just to get them out, but I don’t see any other solutions.

If they would just respect me and my home I wouldn’t feel this way, but they are total slobs and refuse to clean up after themselves. I’m tired of coming home to my house smelling like weed. They just don’t care how I feel and they know it would not be easy for me to throw them out legally. A Seriously Exhausted Momma Bird

Momma Bird: So Bay Area rents mean it would be easier for them to stop smoking weed in Mommy’s house than it would be for them to find shelter when you evict them.

This is the salient point here, the one that gives you much more leverage than you think you have.

Your point about the legal hurdle also isn’t as germane as you think it is.

It is interesting, I’ll give it that; obviously the process is complicated emotionally, but I hadn’t known the practical terms of throwing out an adult child could involve more than changing the locks.

Still — that’s only if said child chooses to make it so, right, by fighting you on a request that she move out? And isn’t that a much bigger problem than their mess? That your daughter would take you to court to defend her right to treat you like dirt?

Then let’s factor it into your next move, which now must incorporate the following facts and objectives: Your adult daughter is acting rude and entitled; you don’t trust her not to behave even worse if you force the issue; you don’t want to house her anymore; maintaining her current lifestyle verges on 100% dependent upon your housing her.

These facts and objectives say you have the power — also verging on 100% — to make providing shelter contingent on her treating that shelter with respect. No mess and weed, or no home.

You have a sweet carrot to dangle, too, apparently. You say you “don’t want to be their financial support system just to get them out,” which I take to mean you are able to, financially speaking — and if so, use that. “Clean yourselves up and I’ll help you move faster toward independence.” Help them relocate to a cheaper area and transfer their credits, for example, or single-to-triple-match whatever they manage to save.