Changes will affect romance, one way or other
Situational context plays a major role in romantic pairings.
Gail and Dennis are experiencing just how major. They have devolved from a happy couple in a long-standing dating relationship to a moody engagement and, finally, a marriage on the brink.
Like many, they assumed their feelings for each other would persist largely unchanged from courtship to marriage to family to old age. They ignored the fact that contexts, and the situations they create, change not only what’s happening in one’s external world but also one’s innermost feelings.
For example, some couples can interact positively during courtship, only to have the new context of marriage alter their interpersonal style sufficiently to undermine the relationship. Inversely, some stormy romances stabilize once the situational reassurance of the marital bond sets in.
Gail and Dennis were of the first variety. Their extended courtship had gone swimmingly, in part because they found the low-expectation environment worked for them. However, once engaged, expectations increased, leading to more spats but without eroding their essential bond.
The real hiccups began with matrimony. These independent people discovered that closely intermingling their lives was not their best thing.
We all realize that different contexts and situations influence how we feel and behave. Just look at the weather. Some folks are less energetic and gloomier in certain seasons or weather they dislike, and vice versa.
Well, relationships have their own kind of “weather,” created by the varying moods, behaviors and energy each party brings to their interactions (the “situations” in situational context). What’s more, they generate a unique “climate” (the “context” in situational context) manifested along a continuum from loving and supportive to hurtful and toxic.
Not surprisingly, it can be difficult to predict how a change in situational context will influence a romantic pairing. Being intimate with another person depends on more than the personal connection; it also relies on their circumstances and what is happening in their lives.
And none of us can predict all the circumstantial changes that lie ahead.
Some try. Premarital retreats and classes try to help couples anticipate how their lives will change once they tie the knot and whether those changes will benefit or undermine the bond.
When would-be spouses identify a potential future risk, they learn techniques to help them avoid a marriage-ending issue. Sometimes this approach proves helpful, and other times not.
Gail and Dennis had not done premarital work, but they did end up in couples counseling several years into their marriage.
“Wish we’d known about this before we decided how to structure our relationship,” she announced, while he nodded. Which is the point. There are many ways for people who love each other to be together, not just those commonly prescribed by society. By finding the context and situations that work best for their pairing, they up the odds of a long and mutually fulfilling relationship.