Intense need for romance suggests underlying trauma
“What’s the longest you’ve gone without being in a romantic relationship?” I asked Holly.
This middle-aged professional, thrice married and divorced, had started dating early in high school. In her wake she left a ruinous trail of love gone bad involving several intimate partners.
“Maybe a month or six weeks,” she replied, a bit embarrassed. “Either way, when not with somebody, I’m definitely in search mode.”
Holly belongs to a group of people who grow uncomfortable or even desperate when romantically unattached. I’ve heard them describe it as anything from a nagging sense of discontent to full-out, raging agitation.
For some, this disquiet with being on one’s own arises from abandonment trauma, usually from childhood or adolescence. This deeply felt loss often involves rejection by a parent, close sibling or love interest.
This blow to self-esteem can leave permanent emotional damage. As Holly explained it, she feels “incomplete” and “undesirable” in ways that only seem to abate when in a romantic pairing.
This conundrum usually evokes one of three primary responses. First are the folks who withdraw from romantic relationships altogether. They are so risk averse with regard to potential abandonment that they won’t take the chance, settling for loneliness rather than risking rejection.
Opposite them are those who cling desperately to their partner, fearful of being cast aside once again. At its extreme, some of these folks can morph into the “fatal attraction” persona (both male and female versions), including stalking and even domestic violence.
Finally, there are those who are less impaired but still needy, like Holly.
“People tell me it’s because I’m a hopeless romantic,” she explained. “They say I’m in love with being in love, rather than with my partner.”
For some like her, the pairing is not as much about the beloved as it is the loving experience itself and the boost to self-esteem that it brings. Which is why, frequently, these relationships don’t have staying power. The focus is on feeling lovable, which is what dissipates in the absence of a romantic bond.
“It’s predictable,” she continued. “Once the romance wears off, I get tired of the person or find faults in them. I start making the case to myself that it won’t work out.”
As the romantic feelings wane, she begins backing away, becoming emotionally cold and distant. Over time, this proves toxic to the bond, so one or both decide to call it quits.
“That’s when I start getting anxious,” she told me. “I begin looking around for someone new, sometimes even before we break up.”
Freedom from this compelling need requires resolving the underlying emotional trauma fueling it. Psychological insight therapy coupled with trauma counseling, possibly involving Brainspotting or EMDR (Google them), offers the best hope.
Many of us desire to be in an emotionally intimate relationship, but wanting is different than needing.
To freely choose a partner is one thing, but to compulsively grasp for one is not love, but desperation.