For motivation, asking questions beats praise

So, it’s that time of year again. At New Year’s, many of us commit to a fresh start in some aspect of our lives, be that physical health, mental attitude, relationships, vocational pursuits, spiritual growth, etc. We engage in the often-frustrating endeavor called “intentional change.”

Yes, change is inevitable, so all one must do to experience it is keep breathing. But intentional change is its own animal, one that involves setting a positive goal, crafting an approach, and then kicking things into gear. Easy to describe, but challenging to accomplish.

Pop psychology overflows with advice on how to implement and sustain behavior change, and there is some sound counsel within this din of do’s and don’ts. We know change is more successful when one’s approach involves small steps, frequency of efforts, social support and intrinsic motivation (you want to, rather than others wanting you to).

However, recently, we have discovered that one, simple method is surprisingly helpful in promoting change in ourselves as well as encouraging it in others. It contradicts a pervasive myth about how to further transformative efforts; the belief that attaboy pep talks, whether focused on one’s self or others, drive motivation.

For example, maybe your spouse/ partner has declared an intention to exercise regularly, and you want to provide moral support. Common sense suggests you do so through words of encouragement (“You’re doing great” or “I’m so proud of you”).

Unfortunately, many recipients of one’s verbal back slapping will experience this not as encouragement but as pressure, as a new expectation that he or she must live up to lest you or other cheerleaders end up disappointed. It can fuel resentment or outright resistance. Why? Because the mind often interprets these supposedly encouraging words as orders, as someone else trying to control one’s actions.

This same scenario can play out in one’s self-talk. When one part of us wants to exercise and another does not, it’s common to hear variations on “Just do it!” echoing in one’s psyche. Problem is, “Just do it!” often becomes “Just don’t.”

What does work is something called the “question-behavior effect.”

Simply stated, asking questions fuels motivation better than making statements, even supportive ones. So, in terms of encouraging others, “It’s great you’re going to exercise” turns into “Are you going to exercise?”

In terms of one’s self-talk, an admonition like “You need to eat healthier” transforms into “Will you eat healthier this year?”

Questions like these intensify our resolve because they affirm that we are making a decision, rather than complying with an expectation or admonition, whether from others or ourselves. Feeling more in charge of one’s change efforts (autonomy) is key to success.

Also, this question-behavior effect increases the likelihood of positive change for up to six months, so even if the new behavior doesn’t kick in immediately, there’s a decent chance it will over time.

So, if you want to work on that new you, ask, don’t tell.