How many times do you say thanks?

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Hi Carolyn:

Whenever my mother gives me or my family member a gift, she ends up asking about it several times afterward. Does not matter if it was $5 or expensive.

We always thank her for gifts, and these comments feel like she’s asking for thank yous over and over again. Asking her about it would not be productive, so any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

— We Always Thank Her

The easiest answer is the nuisance Mulligan: Assume everyone has at least one obnoxious but harmless trait or habit, and resolve just to be cheerful about it.

The more involved answer is to use your response to shift the dynamic more to your favor. You can, for example, respond to her questions with a non-answer in the form of a question — “Oh, did you not get our thank-you note?” By doing that, you’re essentially saying, “We already thanked you for this, remember?” without actually saying it. And when she (presumably) responds by taking your question literally, then you can non-answer again: “Oh good, I was afraid it got lost.” The trick of this tactic is to remain polite and cheerful but also not engage even a little bit in the inappropriate line of questioning. Keep answering the question that is appropriate as if that’s the one she actually asked.

The answer with serious investment is to rethink the option you reject as not “productive.” You know her, your judgment prevails, but: I’ve found over and over again that the one path we rule out is the useful one, particularly with recurring problems.

I’m not suggesting you call her out and put her on the defensive. Instead, use questions yourself: “Are you worried we didn’t like it?” Or, use deliberately general assurances: “Mom, you always get us lovely gifts.” It’s either a preemptive balm for her concerns, or, if there’s more to it, a nudge for her to articulate what her concerns really are.

Re: Gifts:

When I give something to the grandkids, I like to hear about it, so I ask. We elderly need to hear that what we do is appreciated and liked. Sometimes we like to hear it over and over again to bring a smile to our faces. I don’t think it is a negative that needs to be dealt with.

— Anonymous

Well, if your intentions aren’t clear to the people you’re asking, and if they take your inquiries as pressure for repeated thank-yous, then it is a negative that needs to be dealt with.

Communication would do it, though. Tell your kids you ask these follow-up questions because it makes you so happy to bring the grandkids happiness.

Re: Gifts:

To me it sounds like she is very anxious about whether her gifts are actually appreciated. That’s different than wanting to be thanked.

— Different

Again, better communication would be ... better.

“It’s so important to me to give the kids gifts they’ll enjoy. Please tell me what they like and dislike so they don’t feel forced to be polite.”