People who talk nonstop shut out true dialogue

Jill was on verbal autopilot. Whatever question I managed to interject between her long monologues only instigated another, offering few opportunities for further inquiry, let alone a reflective comment. When a pause emerged long enough for me to speak, it was like dropping a stone down a dry well . . . no splash.

On occasion, I would ask, “Did you hear what I just said?”

“Yes,” Jill would invariably reply, and then go on as if she had not.

At one point, I felt as if I wasn’t in the room, except perhaps as a prop. Had I nodded off, it might have taken her awhile to notice.

While we label this sort of scenario a “conversation,” due to its one-way vector it hardly qualifies. This type of interaction, if one can call it that, occurs in many contexts — across kitchen tables, at business meetings, during media interviews (think politics) and at various social gatherings.

In Jill’s case, her compelling need to speak her truth left no opportunity for genuine dialogue. My responses, absent an occasional “uh-huh,” were mere interpersonal speed bumps — she might have to slow down a bit but not stop.

Some folks refer to this as “holding court,” and the other person has the gavel. Mostly, you either grow exhausted from listening closely to an avalanche of statements, or, inversely, check out mentally and project your awareness to a more copacetic space.

Either way, folks like Jill are largely speaking in an echo chamber, one barring entry to most messages emanating from other people. You know you’re with someone of this ilk because, after you finish speaking, his or her non-response makes you feel as if you never uttered a word.

Eventually, the absence of interest from and back-and-forth with the other party compels those on the receiving end of this verbal flood to surrender and, more often than not, go silent. However, some assertive souls (and therapists should be among them) try to make people like this aware of their behavior and its effect on others.

In Jill’s case, I did get her to hear my feedback about her interpersonal style, but hearing is not the same as listening, and that’s at the core of the issue. At times, these folks will pause long enough to hear your communication, and may even tacitly respond to it, but they struggle to listen well enough to take the message to heart. Why?

Often, it’s a combination of two drivers. First, those like Jill often lack sufficient self-awareness to mentally step back and observe how they are coming across.

Second, they harbor a burning need to explain, elaborate, emphasize and tell their story, whatever it might be.

In Jill’s case, I resorted to writing down my suggestions and reflections, handing them to her at the beginning of our sessions. This proved clunky but raised her awareness sufficiently to create more of a dialogue than monologue.

With folks of this sort, their motivation to share can be positive but, ironically, their modus operandi discourages connection. Eventually, people tune them out.

They end up mostly talking to themselves.

Philip Chard is a psychotherapist, author and trainer. Email Chard at outofmymind@philipchard.com or visit philipchard.com.