Love interest reveals her long history of deception

Dear Carolyn: Recently began an invigorating flirtation with a woman at work — movies, jogging after work, dinner at home, etc. Last week she told me she’d been involved in an extended affair with a married man three or four years earlier. She was also living with another man at the time. The news came as a huge disappointment, and I’m wondering how much importance to attach to her history of lengthy deception. - Portland, Oregon

I think there’s a risk of your blowing this out of proportion, so I’ll be conservative and put its importance somewhere between “staggering” and “colossal.”

Integrity isn’t just a four-syllable word. If this woman doesn’t have it, the jogging better be awfully good.

Note the flagrant use of “if.” I could argue that her long-term deceptions guarantee she’s integrity-starved, but that would deny her the opportunity almost every one of us wants out of life at least once: to be able to make a godawful mistake, to have an epiphany as a result, and to be accepted ever after for both the epiphany and the mistake, and not merely for the mistake.

So about that epiphany. Did she have one? Specifically, did she treat her behavior with the appropriate dose of selfloathing, and is she living proof that it worked? It isn’t too early to tell; just recall what else she said when she delivered the news of her ugly behavior. Context speaks louder than words.

Dear Carolyn: I’m in a long-distance relationship with someone younger and still in school. I know I want to spend the rest of my life with this person, but I worry I am a crutch keeping them from getting to the same point in maturity and independence that I am at now. How can I stop enabling dependence without potentially harming our relationship? - Far Away

Be willing to harm the relationship. Sounds callous, but look at it this way and it’s the only unselfish course: Which is better, to want what’s best for each other at the possible expense of your relationship, or to want the relationship at the possible expense of each other?

If you believe your student belovedness isn’t ready for long-term commitment, end the commitment. I know some will cry condescension since it appears you’re deciding what’s best for your younger, less-mature partner. And that’s a fair accusation.

But you’re really deciding how to look out for yourself. Either you’re comfortable with this person’s maturity and independence, or you think s/he has a way to go. Either you think staying together is healthy, or you think freedom will be. Either this person makes you happy as-is, or it’s better, for you, to stay in touch but see other people. Just be honest in how you word that: “I want you to choose me after you’ve lived more of life.”

Carolyn: I have a group of four friends I’ve been with since I was 18 (I’m now 24), and one friend has stopped maturing somewhere along the way. Her constant high school behavior usually leaves the other three of us constantly complaining about her to one another. Is there any way to approach this situation without its seeming like we are attacking her three-on-one? - Burbs

Right, can’t stand that high school behavior.

You’re already attacking her three-on-one, just behind her back. The fair, and decent, and adult way to treat her is to attack her one-on-one, to her face. With “attack” being shorthand for raising calm, specific, well-thought-out objections to her behavior, with explicit examples, and then hearing her side of the story. And then steering the friendship accordingly.