Milwaukee Journal Sentinel

Guilt may hobble her aspiration­s

- Carolyn Hax Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washington­post.com.

Hi, Carolyn: I am in my late 30s, and after being stuck in the wrong career for, well, my whole career, I have made the decision to apply to full-time business school. It’s scary and exciting, and something that will likely take me away from my hometown, where I have lived since college.

The problem is that I’m the oldest of two daughters – always the dutiful daughter, always available to drop everything to tend to my parents’ (especially mother’s) needs. My free-spirit little sister, meanwhile, has lived all over Europe for the past 10-plus years, much to my envy. My mom has always been extremely anxious and needy, which is getting worse with age.

I now feel guilty for even considerin­g a move that could take us 700 miles away, much less to my dream school that’s in Paris. My dad’s shell-shocked looks and my mom’s ever-present, anxious “What if there’s an emergency?” comments make me question if I should even do this. I would deeply regret missing an adventure in a whole new setting, but I also would deeply regret missing potentiall­y the last moments of my parents’ lives. Being the oldest child is hard. Advice, please! - Quandary

Wait – no. Being the older child who has been manipulate­d into believing it is her responsibi­lity to take care of her asfar-as-I-can-tell-still-perfectly-capable parents while her younger sibling enjoys the freedom of complete autonomy and zero family expectatio­ns is hard.

Maybe you prefer not to be that wordy. Fair enough. But your six-word version is simply not accurate. Firstborns have their challenges, sure – as do middles and youngests – but to see this narrowly as a birth-order issue is to miss the broad scope of what’s really going on.

Your parents groomed you to serve them, expect you to serve them, and used their emotional leverage to keep you close enough geographic­ally to serve them. Because doing that to you serves them. Why weren’t they focused on providing you with whatever was healthy for you?

When your dreams are on the table, and they opt not to support them – when they deny Daughter A the same fulfillmen­t they grant Daughter B, my generosity curdles fast.

At this point, you probably struggle to distinguis­h between what they want from you and what you want for yourself. If so, that’s not your fault; it’s the guilt they’ve embedded in you. (Easy installati­on!: (1) Set expectatio­n. (2) Withhold love when expectatio­n isn’t met. (3) Repeat. Enjoy lifetime guilt supply.)

Sad fact: Caring for parents when the time comes can be a sacred and beautiful task, entered freely and with love. Manipulati­ng a child into it erases all choice, and the beauty with it.

You are so invested in this dynamic that you might need good therapy to untangle yourself – not because you can’t physically get to Paris, but because guilt strings can choke off your joy supply whatever you do, home or abroad.

 ??  ??

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from United States