Friend’s boyfriend won’t stop touching
Ask Carolyn
Hi, Carolyn: I was recently out to dinner to celebrate with a close friend who has been treated for breast cancer and has received a clean bill of health. She included her live-in boyfriend in the celebration.
I noticed he was bumping my leg. I simply moved out of way the first and second times. After the third bump, I realized he was intentionally rubbing my leg. I had to move about five times.
I have socialized with the two of them on many occasions and frankly do not have a good impression of him in general. I believe my friend deserves better, but have kept my mouth shut because it’s not up to me to comment on her choice of a partner. If it works for her, then I respect that.
But his behavior with me at dinner was personal and therefore has crossed a line with me. I want to tell my friend what happened, but not after she’s gone through such a traumatic experience. But I feel keeping silent is a tacit way of protecting him. Should I tell my friend what happened? “Please stop rubbing my leg.”
That’s what you say. Out loud, at the table, in front of your friend. No time travel necessary; if he’s as bad as you say, then he’ll do this or something like it again next time you see them.
The beauty is that “Please stop rubbing my leg” bypasses the whole mental back and forth about your responsibility with respect to your friend’s choices – because “Please stop rubbing my leg” is about your body right now, that’s it, and is entirely your responsibility.
Dear Carolyn: When I married my wife, 20-plus years ago, I was fairly extroverted, and she was very much an introvert. I knew and accepted that.
In the time we’ve been married, I’ve become a lot more introverted, and I’m OK with that. I’ve been either work-from-home or self-employed for 18 years, so I have no work friends.
The problem is that my wife seems annoyed by my introversion. Am I doing something wrong?
- Introverted Extrovert
Yes: You’re not leaving the house. Of course that’s not “wrong” – it’s your house, too. But your very much introverted wife likes to be alone in it sometimes, and married you thinking she would be. That’s it. Take it exactly at face value.
Also, what you describe isn’t introversion, it’s reclusion. So while my advice stands to take your wife at her word, consider doing it in a way that gently interrupts your passive slide into solitude.
tellme@washpost.com