Be cautious with mom’s family
Dear Carolyn: When I was 8, my mom left my dad and me and married another man. That man didn’t want me around, and so I only saw my mom three times between ages 8 and 18. I also very rarely saw aunts, uncles and cousins on my mom’s side of the family.
Now that I’m an adult, I’m beginning to develop relationships with my relatives on my mom’s side, but it’s difficult because they seem so insistent on my forgiving my mom. For instance, I mentioned to my aunt that it was difficult not having my mom around, and she said, “You should be happy that your mom found a man who made her happy.”
Do you think it’s worth my pursuing relationships with my mom’s side of the family? Or is it pointless when they act like my mom abandoning me at age 8 was a perfectly acceptable thing to do? – Anonymous
I’m sorry, that’s just mind blowing. You were 8!
The mama bear in me wants to tell you, no, it’s not worth pursuing relationships with people this bloody myopic. And cruel.
However, pointing out the absurdity of what they’re suggesting is worth a shot: “I want to be sure I have this right. I hear you say that I should be happy my mom traded me, at 8 years old, for a man. Is that what you meant?” Go into anthropologist mode, because you want this data.
Anyone who gets your point is unlikely to try to sell you that reasoning again.
For those who stick to their argument, you can respond with what you believe and why. “I can see forgiving her, but to be happy she dropped me to seek her own gratification – at significant emotional cost to me, because at my age all I knew is that she didn’t want me? No serious person would suggest that.”
Or, go all Bryce Harper on their butts. “That’s a clown suggestion, bro.”
As always, the pain of someone thinking this is OK comes with the useful silver lining of telling you who is – and isn’t – worth your time.
Remember, too: Your mom’s family might carry a lot of guilt around about this. Your mom is the one who left you, yes, but in doing so she forced all of her family to respond to her in some way – to deplore her actions, to distance themselves from her, to stay in touch with you on their own … or to welcome the new guy in all of his child-rejecting horror and act as if nothing was wrong. If they chose the last one, then you can expect they’ll spend a lot of their time with you trying to justify their own moral lapses – and what’s the weapon of choice for such people? “Should.” Applied liberally to everyone but themselves.
Proceed with them as you see fit, but don’t expect them to look out for you – unless and until they actually do.
Re: Abandoned: “You’re so keen to tell me how I should treat my mom now – did you spend as much time telling her that she shouldn’t have abandoned me?” – Lana Turnip Yep.
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