People can alter behavior if they put in hard work

I’m often asked whether people can truly change.

Rest assured, time and experience sculpt us relentlessly, so the question is not “Can I change?” but “How will I change?” More importantly, will this occur intentionally through conscious effort or simply by chance?

Many argue that, while behaviors might evolve over time, personality traits (introversion/extroversion, agreeableness, moodiness, etc.) do not. “Once a pessimist, always a pessimist,” is one example of this assertion.

However, there is evidence we can modify certain aspects of our personality through deliberate and sustained effort. Personality expresses and reinforces itself through behaviors we repeatedly engage in, so alterations in these habits can alter who we are, at least to some degree.

For example, a recent study shows folks who become more sedentary during middle age (habit change) exhibit decreased conscientiousness, agreeableness, openness and extroversion (four of the big five personality traits). Ramping up one’s activity level has the opposite impact. But it’s not just about exercise.

Consider Emily, a stereotypical soccer mom with little impulse control in the emotion’s department. She was easy to upset and hard to calm down, prompting those around her to step carefully.

“I don’t want my family and friends feeling like I’m a landmine they have to avoid setting off,” she told me.

Emily deeply regretted the stressful impact of her emotional volatility on those she loved, leaving her highly motivated to change. I told her the most effective way to reduce her kind of reactivity (a personality trait) is through meditation.

Research shows meditators morph away from being emotionally reactive and become mindfully responsive. Translation? They are way more chill.

So, Emily made the commitment to what is a demanding discipline. She meditated daily, 10 minutes in the morning and the same at night.

“I was about three months in when I noticed the change,” she explained. “Something that would have set me off before now just gets a shrug. It’s not that I don’t care. I just care in a calmer way.”

Whatever the personality trait in question, there is evidence the disciplined application of an effective behavioral approach (exercise, meditation, journaling, practicing gratitude, etc.), has the potential to bring about change. Not instantly, nor without considerable effort over many months or even years.

This should come as little surprise. Changing one’s habits also alters one’s sense of self. When we think differently about ourselves, our attitudes and actions, which are the bedrock of personality, follow suit.

Bottom line? By adopting a new foundational behavior over a long period of time, we transform how we define ourselves (identity). In turn, this sculpts a new self-definition (“I’m an active person” or “I’m cool under pressure” and so on). This won’t result in an entirely “new me,” but can modify personality traits to a discernible extent.

Yes, we can change. But you have to want it enough to put in the hard work.

Philip Chard is a psychotherapist, author and trainer. Email Chard at outofmymind@philipchard.com or visit philipchard.com.