Fear, not laziness, is what fuels most people’s procrastination
“I procrastinate all the time,” Erica confessed, exasperated.
For this thirty-some homemaker, kicking the proverbial can down the road is a lifelong pattern. And it has cost her.
“In school, I always waited until the last minute to do assignments, crammed for exams and didn’t get into extracurricular stuff,” she shared. “People called me an underachiever, and that’s how I’ve turned out.”
Muddling through college, she emerged with a degree in finance and landed a job with potential for advancement. But procrastination followed her into the workplace, resulting in mediocre performance.
With the birth of her first child, she left her stuck-in-the-mud career and became a full-time mom. Same story.
“I have unfinished projects all around the house; everything from quilting to gardening to remodeling. Every morning, I get up, stare at my to-do list, get the kids off to school and then waste the day with silly distractions, like dumb TV shows or surfing the net,” she explained.
Erica engaged with counselors and coaches who focused on fixing her penchant for dragging her heels. Unfortunately, the usual methods for stoking motivation, such as goal setting and affirmations, proved futile.
“Maybe I’m just lazy,” she pondered.
“I’ll bet this isn’t about laziness. Most likely, it’s about fear,” I offered.
Most procrastinators are what we call “risk averse.” Brain studies show they are more likely to have a fear center in the brain (amygdala) that is both larger and more active than folks who are doers.
“Where did you learn not to stick your neck out?” I asked her.
Early in life, many procrastinators discovered that being a “Just do it!” type proved emotionally dangerous. For her part, Erica recalled episodes as a young child when she struggled to complete learning activities her peers found easy, and the embarrassment she felt when admonished by teachers and classmates for falling short.
The parenting approach that bolsters self-esteem in young children seeks to avoid this type of mental wounding by instilling the confidence kids need to try new things and take reasonable risks. We recognize that, when subjected to destructive criticism, many youngsters internalize disapproval of their actions, experiencing it as a condemnation of their basic worth, not just behavior. Consequently, they learn to procrastinate as a form of self-defense.
The subconscious mental script becomes “I am what I do.” So, taking action exposes folks like Erica to the risk of criticism and embarrassment; unpleasantries they learned to avoid early in life by stalling. By not acting, she protects herself from potential failure and feeling like a loser.
With those like Erica, the target for therapeutic intervention becomes that underlying mental script, one that runs automatically in the subconscious mind whenever the conscious self contemplates taking action. The goal is to decouple one’s fear from the intention to get things done.
Absent that, Erica will continue transiting life with one foot on the accelerator and the other firmly on the brake.
Philip Chard is a psychotherapist, author and trainer. Email Chard at outofmymind@philipchard.com or visit philipchard.com.