Discovering one’s blind spots can pay off

The admonition to “know thyself” has particular relevance here. We humans are often better at not seeing who we are, as opposed to getting a clear mental self-portrait.

As any driver knows, blind spots can be hazardous to one’s health and that of others on the road.

The same holds true for the psychological variant. What we don’t know about ourselves can create all manner of mayhem, and regularly does. That’s what brought Mark to my counseling door.

“My girlfriend sat me down and told me I talk way too much, take over the room, interrupt people and do a crappy job of listening,” he confessed. “Do you?” I asked.

“Well, I got pretty defensive at first, but after I thought it over for a few days, I realized she was right. I started watching myself around other people and, sure enough, I do all the things she said,” he replied.

The admonition to “know thyself” has particular relevance here. We humans are often better at not seeing who we are, as opposed to getting a clear mental self-portrait.

The temptation to believe things about ourselves that are desirable but not true creates one kind of blind spot.

The need to not believe things about ourselves that are negative spawns a different sort of not seeing. But they often work in tandem.

Mike believed he was a good communicator, which allowed him to ignore all evidence to the contrary. When his girlfriend challenged him to suspend that belief, he managed to see what had been hiding in clear sight all along.

His style of communicating was driving people away and embarrassing the love of his life.

But there’s a catch-22 to all this. How can we see our blind spots if we are, well, blind to them? That requires three things: (1) having the capacity for self-awareness, (2) a willingness to take a fresh and honest look at one’s self in the proverbial mirror, and (3) exposure to a reliable source of feedback about one’s behavior. Mike was fortunate to have all these attributes. As for feedback, in the absence of a trusted friend or relation who is willing to give it to you straight yet in a caring way, modern humans have the benefit of technology. I’ve had a few clients use video.

Alice was one. She couldn’t fathom why people seemed to avoid being with her for any length of time, declining her invitations and the like.

After all, she assured me, she was a kind, intelligent and loyal human being.

In the interests of resolving her confusion, she agreed to have her husband take video of her in social situations.

The first few were useless because she was self-conscious, but as the awkwardness wore off, subsequent clips brought her blind spot into clear view.

“I’m self-absorbed,” she told me after watching them. “Whatever someone is talking about, I always bring it back to me.”

Now, Alice asks more questions and does more listening. Her spot being blind no more, she can exercise conscious control over a behavior that, previously, was on autopilot, and not in a good way.

When we find ourselves mired in lots of conflict, confused about reactions from others, or otherwise suffering a nameless agitation, looking for blind spots may be in order.

What we don’t see in ourselves can wreak plenty of havoc.

Philip Chard is a psychotherapist, author and trainer. Email Chard at outofmymind@philipchard.com or visit philipchard.com.