His breast comment offends her
Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: As a woman with a large bosom who developed early, I’ve heard every rude comment and catcall you can imagine. I try to avoid men who see a pair of breasts that just happen to be attached to a woman.
I’ve recently started dating “Rob,” who moved into my building and who I was desperately flirting with for weeks. I was really looking forward to our next date – until the other night. I was heading into the laundry room when I heard Rob telling a new tenant, “She’s the one with the huge …” and then he used a vulgar euphemism for my breasts. When he saw me he looked guilty and I could see he was trying to figure out if I’d overheard. I pretended everything was OK while I figured out what to do.
My best friend (a man) says Rob didn’t do anything wrong, almost every guy in the world says stuff like that, and what matters is how he treats me in person.
Is my friend right? Am I expecting too much of Rob? I’m just so disappointed in him and I’m ready to break it off, but he did seem so right for me. – Not Sure My BF Respects Me
For the sake of argument, let’s say your friend’s right:
Just because every guy in the world says it doesn’t mean it’s not demeaning.
And just because it’s demeaning doesn’t mean you have to dump him.
I do recommend it, though, if he no longer seems “so right for me,” even if you’ve decided one rude comment doesn’t make him a terrible person.
Contradictory? Not really: The only thing that matters is how you feel about Rob now, and whether you want to keep dating him. Your reasons don’t have to pass anyone’s test but your own.
I also don’t like “expecting too much” as a standard of measurement. So if all men are like Rob, then you have to like him? No.
There’s only one valid set of standards: What you want, what feels right, what feels safe, what feels good. To you.
If Rob isn’t those things, then no more Rob.
If over time you question your standards, then, sure, rethink your expectations and emotional makeup. See what isn’t working. But don’t stay with one guy because one friend said to.
I wish you had said something to Rob on the spot. His response would probably have told you a lot.
So tell him now. See what he does with it. See what your gut says.
A thought exercise before I go: I hope people forming opinions on this have also thought about how they describe other people, and want to be described themselves, and want their loved ones described.
Just for internal consistency, though: Anyone who would gladly break up over a lewd comment, or laugh one off, gets no argument from me.
Re: Disrespect: They are out there, men who don’t talk about women like meat. – Anonymous
Re: Respect: While a lot of men wouldn’t admit to it, many of us have said something like that. But most men I know would rarely say it about a woman they like and respect. – A Guy
They are all people, you know.