His 4 a.m. return rouses anger
Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: Spouse went out with friends Saturday afternoon, did not communicate plans, did not come home until 4 a.m., and then yelled at me for being upset. That’s enough, isn’t it? – Do the Other Details Even Matter?
Sure sounds that way.
It’s certainly enough for this, now that things have presumably cooled off:
“You went out, didn’t say where or with whom, came home crazy late, and yelled at me for being upset about that. Facts not open to debate. So now I’m wondering: What is the bigger thing going on that this incident represents? Because it’s such a departure that I’m worried about what it means, and why you would do it, more so than any of the specific details of it.”
Your most important contribution to honesty here is to remain calm and unflinching in your expectation that you be given the truth. Make it as easy as possible for your spouse to tell it, even a terrible one.
I hope your spouse has enough respect for you and self to be honest about the bigger thing. Good luck.
Hi, Carolyn: Is it your sense that people have started to use the term “extrovert” in a derogatory sense? In other words, is there something insulting about describing a person as someone who thrives on social contact? I have always used the term where appropriate to mean exactly that.
I am an introvert through and through; I like to spend my free time reading and pursuing solitary hobbies. My mom and my husband are extroverts, as are some of my closest friends. I love them all. But my friend “Lily” recently took me to task for using this term, saying she feels that it’s a thinly veiled insult and that I am actually implying she is needy and lightweight.
Not true! She is one of the smartest people I know. I understand that not everyone thinks reading a novel is a great way to spend a Friday night.
She says “everyone knows” introverts believe they are intellectually superior.
What do you think? Has the use of this word veered into a territory I wasn’t aware of? – Introvert
“Extrovert” is now forbidden, yes, because the new word is the older “extravert,” which is also forbidden, which is sad, because now the only words we have left to use safely are “and,” “the” and “popcorn.”
I should not have used “safely,” because that is now political, as is “political.”
In related news, the new “Use your words!” for parents coaching small children is now “Don’t use your words,” so as not to be speakist. I would tweet this out if I weren’t boycotting Twitter. And “boycott.”
As for the suggestion that all introverts believe they are superior, that is merely a sign that something long invalidated has recently been validated — which in present-tense America means it must be swiftly re-invalidated with an accusation of conspiring to seize power (see also: racial, sexual, gender or religious minorities; women; immigrants; nerds; green leafy vegetables).
Please assure Lily this is the one needy and lightweight thing you have ever heard her say.