Remaining friends with ex is tricky
Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: How does a person remain friends with an ex? I dated a friend for a year, we broke up a week ago, mostly amicably. But I’m having a hard time seeing him so frequently and seeing him talk to other women when we are out with friends. The feelings right now are mixed and there is a part of me that sees him differently. – Friends With Ex
Oh my, it takes most of us a lot more than a week. A little space to heal and establish a new normal – like, months, or longer – then an attempt at friendship, with patience and low expectations, and even then, only if you still enjoy this person’s company enough to make the hard work of friendship worthwhile.
If space isn’t possible – your ex is a coworker, neighbor, friend-group friend – then you give yourself mental space to recognize that this part of it stinks and you just need to get through it before it feels like something a sane person would actually attempt. That you have enough good feelings to call them “mixed” is actually a promising sign.
Dear Carolyn: I heard a proud grandma, holding her granddaughter, say how “this one” was sweet and nice, but nowhere near as intelligent as older sibling – when “this one” was 6 months old – and another new grandma constantly refers to her 4-month-old grandson as “fat.” His mother “should stop breastfeeding him ’cause he is too fat,” “He’s so fat!” “I can’t believe how fat he is getting!” I was SO uncomfortable hearing these things. I even said to the “fat-shaming” grandma, “Oh, he is so cute and he is healthy! PLEASE DO NOT CALL HIM FAT!”
Why would someone criticize/denigrate a baby? I am flabbergasted that people feel comfortable making horrid remarks and negative comparisons about small children! I know neither of the babies in question could understand what was being said about them, but I felt compelled to stick up for them. Am I out of line or making too much of this? – Flabbergasted
No, neither! Stick up for the babies. “[H]is mother ‘should stop breastfeeding him ‘cause he is too fat’ ” is so wretchedly wretched that letting it pass by unchallenged is a disservice to any grandchildren this person may have or hold. Babies don’t get it, but then they become old enough to understand what “fat” or “smart” means, and any bystander who can help preempt this toxic BS now needs to do so. Please.
While we’re here … it’s also worth retiring the expression “good baby” – i.e., sleeps much and cries little – because that implies the ones who agitate (for reasons they can’t possibly control, because, babiezzz) are bad, and what they’re called is not conveniently separated from how they’re viewed and treated.
[drags soapbox back to closet]
Re: Babies: Most of the time when folks are making negative comments like this, they’re really just talking about themselves and trying to be sure you understand how “right thinking” they are for recognizing the issue. It’s pathetically revealing, and most of us are guilty. – Anonymous
That bullet whistled by my left ear. Re: Babies: Every baby is the goodest baby ever born.