College fund has strings attached
Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My parents started a college fund for each of my kids, and said it was so they could go to any college of their choice. I am incredibly grateful. My husband and I have saved some money but not a lot because we are both teachers.
My mom passed away two years ago and things seem different with my dad. My oldest daughter got into college A and college B. She really wants to go to college A, but my dad now says she can use the money only if she goes to college B because it would provide the best opportunities.
I want my daughter to choose the school she likes best. My dad is adamant. Would it be best to seek out other options? – Strings Attached
Strings Attached: I have a serious problem with choosing college B just because a boundary-challenged grandfather insists.
But I also know how education debt can drag people down for decades, or for life – with delayed savings, homebuying, further education, etc. It would be inappropriate of someone like me to blithely champion principles when I’m not paying the tab.
So talk to your daughter to make sure she understands all the implications of her two choices – basically between two kinds of servitude, to debt or to Grandpa. To get an idea of the latter, imagine if she chooses B and things don’t go so great freshman year – as is pretty common, at least for some part of it. Won’t she feel resentful that she chose that school under pressure?
Certainly a kid can withstand that – it’s still a subsidized education, a problem many would love to have – but feeling beholden to and controlled by someone changes the emotional chemistry of our experiences.
Give her time to think, and to see how she feels about the choice. If she’s leaning toward A-plus-debt, then make sure she has done her homework on the schools and has a few key points she can argue in favor of her choosing A. Then urge her to have a conversation with her grandfather, directly: 1. “Thank you so much for looking ahead to this time.” 2. “I understand it’s your choice whether to support me.” 3. “At your convenience, I’d like to explain to you why I prefer A over B. I have done my research and don’t come to this preference lightly.”
He can stick to his decision, sure, but it’s OK to force him to say no to her informed and principled face.
Oh, and I almost forgot: Ask the financial aid office at A to increase any aid, given the circumstances. Many schools will kick in a bit more when asked.
Re: College: If your daughter gives into your dad now, what else will he be so “adamant” about? Her major? Who she dates? I lived under the thumb of someone like this and chose to go into debt. At least the loans have an end date, and don’t harangue you over your personal choices. – In Debt
Re: College: If daughter had gotten into college B but not college A, would she have gone happily to B with her grandfather’s money? If so, that might be an argument in favor of choosing B now, even though it’s galling. – Anonymous