Who should throw baby shower
Dear Carolyn: A friend I have known since middle school is expecting her first baby. After talking with a few of our close mutual friends, it seems as though the responsibility of her baby shower has been placed in our hands. Her parents live out of state yet visit often.
I have spoken with her mother and she has mentioned casually if we need any money to let her know; besides that, she is expecting an invitation in the mail with the legwork, planning and cost taken care of. I have been to countless showers, and, to the best of my knowledge, I thought that wedding showers were thrown by bridesmaids and baby showers were thrown by mothers or mothersin-law.
I do not want my friend to miss out on her first baby shower, at the same time we are all busy adults with families and jobs and feel as though this is a lot to expect of us. Am I wrong? What is the proper etiquette? – Shower Confusion
Shower Confusion: It’s not proper etiquette to assume anyone is throwing a party for anyone else. Sounds like the mom’s being awfully pushy.
But I can’t imagine it’s proper etiquette, either, to hide behind etiquette to excuse not rallying for a friend. It’s her first baby, you’ve been her friend since middle school, you are all “close mutual friends” who have managed to find time for “countless showers” for other people. If it’s so hard to be happy for her, then I can’t help feeling sad.
Potluck or takeout, BYOB, Jack-andJill, no cutesy little games, pitch in for a group gift. (Did I mention no games?) That’s all it takes to tell a new mommy she isn’t in this alone.
Dear Carolyn: I’m a few months into a great relationship and we’re both still working out the kinks. We have a ton in common personality-wise, but differ widely on issues of lifestyle preference: She hates anything mildly offensive, I just went to see “The Aristocrats” and loved it. She is pretty religious and quietly demands that I rise to her level. I work in entertainment and she refuses to have a TV or stereo. The list can go on.
I say all this to ask, at what point do smaller clashes of lifestyle add up to a bigger problem of compatibility? – Capitol Hill Capitol Hill: Opposites do just fine – theoretically and anecdotally – when the love and respect are for any differences, not in spite of them, and when you’re both confident in your own lifestyle choices.
The problems start when one of you wishes the other were different; wishes you yourself could be different; believes the relationship will get better if you work at it; even considers that it’s your place to change, upgrade, educate, enlighten, break in, quietly demand things of, loudly demand things of, or disapprove of, the other person; thinks there’s something wrong or lonely about doing cultural things separately; or feels a rush of relief upon meeting someone who watches TV.