Maturity makes the difference
Dear Carolyn: My mother-in-law passed away suddenly this year. After the funeral, a drunk, grieving family member let me know that my MIL never liked me. Looking back, it makes a lot of sense – she was far from the nightmare MIL some people have, but she wasn’t ever very nice or welcoming.
So, I have found myself secretly relieved I don’t have to deal with her anymore, while I’m dreading helping my husband and the rest of the family get through his first holiday season without his mom. How do you come to peace with not liking someone who is much loved and no longer living? – Guilty
Guilty: Well, you’re already most of the way there: You have the maturity to keep your hurtful feelings private. Which might be a trait your husband found attractive because it reminded him of his mom.
She managed to dislike you to the end of her days without your ever being the wiser. She wasn’t “very nice or welcoming,” yes, but had she been cuddly, then she would have been a hypocrite. Instead she was, apparently, civil and discreet enough for you not to notice that you were the reason she needed to make an effort to remain civil and discreet.
Which brings us to the point of this massive rationalization: that you can begin to find peace by finding some good in her: “You disliked me, but I can respect how you handled it.” Seriously. Try. Once you’ve got the reconciliation out of the way, even a grudging one, you’ll be more willing to see in her what the people who loved her all saw. And, even better, to see how she produced a person you love. And that’s how you get through.
Dear Carolyn: My ex recently asked me if we could remain friends. I don’t think she wants me back or anything, just wants to stay in touch and maybe hang out some. I can’t deal with telling her I don’t want to be her friend, so I am thinking about blocking her emails and screening her calls. Do you think eventually she’ll get the hint and stop contacting me? – Anonymous
Anonymous: She’ll get the hint, yes – along with the distinct (and not inaccurate) impression that you’re a coward. You can either feel bad about yourself, or feel bad about one awkward conversation: “I’m sorry, I can’t do this.” Take your pick.
Dear Carolyn: I’ve been dating a guy for almost a year who seems to think it’s OK to be either late for dates or not show up at all, which leaves me standing around feeling like a moron. I’ve asked him to call me when he does this, but he just laughs it off. Is there a way to impress upon him how incredibly rude this “habit” is, other than the numerous discussions we’ve already had? (I did the same thing to him but it didn’t bother him.) – Anonymous
Anonymous: Dump him. That will impress the unacceptability of his behavior upon the exact soul who needs to see it: you.
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